Wolverine is a Canadian, which means, like all Canadians, he celebrates Thanksgiving in October like a godless heathen. But he still probably gets invited to lots of American Thanksgiving celebrations with the X-Men, and it’s not surprising, considering how useful he can be around the kitchen.
As Bleeding Cool recently proved, Wolverine is known for having two dicks: one for f**king, and one for making love. But it’s less known that those two dicks can come in handy (no pun intended) in a lot of other ways too. That’s why we’ve decided to compile this list, not exhaustive by any means, but simply ranking the top 5 ways Wolverine’s two dicks can help out at Thanksgiving.
Wolverine can stir two bowls of mashed potatoes at one time with his dicks.
For a Thanksgiving dinner as extensive as is likely to be required for an extended family as large as The X-Men, one bowl of mashed potatoes isn’t going to cut it. But that means twice the amount of time spent mashing, stirring, and adding milk and butter to those potatoes, which could cause a problem when you’re trying to prepare dinner on a tight schedule. Luckily, with Wolverine in the mix, the little runt can stand next to the counter with two bowls placed side by side and swivel his hips to stir both bowls of potatoes at once… with his dicks. Thanks, Wolverine! We couldn’t have done it without you!
Wolverine can use his dick claws to chop vegetables.
An obvious reason to have Wolverine help out in the kitchen at Thanksgiving is that he can use his claws to chop and dice vegetables like carrots, green beans, turnips, or whatever you want to serve alongside your roasted bird. But though this hasn’t been confirmed in cannon… yet… it’s probably reasonable to assume that both of Wolverine’s dicks have claws as well. We mean, why wouldn’t they? If so, that means that Wolverine could be chopping carrots with one hand, onions with another, celery with one of his dick claws, and yams with the other. That’s quadruple the work done at once to really speed up the whole preparation process.
After dinner is over, Wolverine can use his dicks to pour both regular and decaf coffee.
After a delicious Thanksgiving feast, you’re going to want to serve pie and dessert, and of course some hot coffee to go along with it. But think of the traffic jam if you try to serve pie and coffee to all of your guests, especially around a table as packed as the X-Men are likely to have. But with Wolverine, you could just have the Cannucklehead stand against the wall and hang two pitchers of coffee on his dicks, one regular and one decaf. Then guests can get up from the table, walk over to Wolverine, kneel down in front of him, and pour themselves a cup. While they’re doing that, you can quickly dole out pumpkin and apple slices, and everyone will be ready to enjoy dessert and post-meal arguments in an organized fashion.
When the X-Men say grace, Wolverine can hold “hands” with four X-Men at once.
Normally, when people say grace around the Thanksgiving dinner table, they lock hands in a circle. But circles are boring, especially when you’re written by Jonathan Hickman, who loves his unnecessarily complex graphs and symbols. With Hickman in charge, a simple circle isn’t going to cut it. But what do you do? Well, by making use of Wolverine’s two dicks in addition to his hands, the X-Men could create all kinds of hand-holding formations, and you know Hickman is working on hundreds of variations as we speak.
Wolverine can use one dick as a meat thermometer and still have the other one to bang Cyclops.
Figuring out when the turkey is done is always a major part of the Thanksgiving prep. Take it out too early, and your bird will be raw and potentially dangerous. Sure, the X-Men can just resurrect themselves out of Goldballs’ butt if they all die of salmonella poisoning, but what an inconvenience! On the other hand, if you take the bird out too late, it will be dry and unpleasant to eat. That’s why it’s best to use a meat thermometer to tell when the turkey is done, but what if you don’t have one on hand? Stand aside, bub! Wolverine’s got something for you. Wolverine can use one of his dicks in place of a meat thermometer to check the temperature of the turkey. If his dick comes out cold and clammy, put the bird back in the oven. If it sears off several layers of skin, it’s time to eat! Best of all, since Wolverine has two dicks, he can still have sex with Cyclops while he waits for his healing factor to kick in and bring the other one back to working condition.
What do you think, readers? Did we leave out any important ways Wolverine’s dicks could be useful at Thanksgiving? Let us know in the comments, and be sure to have a happy Thanksgiving, even if you’re a Canadian.