Welcome to X-ual Healing #1000, a completely arbitrary number we slapped on this column just to get in on the hype, in the same way Marvel launched Marvel #1000 just to cash in on DC’s Action Comics and Detective Comics success. And just like Marvel #1000, very few women will participate in the writing of this column. Well, zero actually, because it’s just me. But on the bright side, there are no Al Ewings involved.
The object of this column is simple: I read last week’s X-Men books and tell you what happened. No fancy reviews, no critical insight. Think of it like a Game of Thrones recap, but with less bitching about how the showrunners have ruined George R. R. Martin’s vision by not religiously adhering to the long-running fan theories posted on Reddit. Instead, I complain about how Marvel won’t let Chris Claremont write any X-books.
Now, let’s get on with the recaps…
Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.
Age of X-Man: Apocalypse and the X-Tracts #3 (of 5)
(W) Tim Seeley (A) Salva Espin (CA) Gerardo Sandoval
THE AGE OF X-MAN CONTINUES!
The X-Tracts face the wrath of an X-Man as Colossus attacks! Plus, Dazzler takes on the tongue of Chernobog one-on-one! For a team who believe in love, they’re sure getting in a lot of fights!
In Shops: May 08, 2019
Following the events of last issue, which have left Eyeboy injured, Unveil and Dazzler head off to take down Omega Red while Kid Apocalypse stays behind to take care of Eyeboy. Meanwhile, X-23 drops off Colossus to deliver a new painting to his art gallery, which is already full of paintings inspired by Kitty Pryde. Colossus finds Kitty waiting for him there, and she knows he’s been crushing on her. Back in Russia, Evan tries to heal Eyeboy but fails, prompting a conversation about why the other X-Tracts don’t like him. Eyeboy says he’s actually just jealous that Evan didn’t have to suffer to become an X-Tract, but rather got all the privilege thanks to being Apocalypse’s son. But Evan says he has suffered, particularly because, since he shares energy with his dad, he can see his past memories, including perhaps ones from the real universe. And he knows that Apocalypse might actually be a bad guy, which makes him feel even worse. Thankfully, Eyeboy is asleep for these revelations, taking a cue from readers of this book.
Meanwhile, Kitty and Colossus are getting along well and Colossus is about to confess his love to her when Apocalypse shows up and beats the crap out of him, tells Kitty she may be being mind controlled, and escapes with her. Back in Russia, though Dazzler and Unveil have been faring well so far by not letting Omega Red sink his tentacles into them, Omege Red releases his death factor pheremones or whatever and starts killing them, so Evan ditches Eyeboy, cosplays as Captain America, and shows up to kick Omega Red’s ass… next issue, of course.
This is my least favorite of the Age of X-Men books. It just does nothing for me. Nothing here is particularly insightful for the characters and none of it is likely to matter once this event is over. Your mileage may vary.
(W) Ed Brisson (A) Damian Couceiro, Dylan Burnett (CA) Pepe Larraz
• Stryfe comes face-to-face with Kid Cable!
• But which side will X-Force stand with?
In Shops: May 08, 2019
In the present, Deathlok tries to fix the time portal in the basement of the Transian Federal building so X-Force can head to the future and rescue Cable while, in the future, Stryfe attempts to force Cable to tell him where Clan Askani is hiding, first torturing him and causing his techno-organic virus to go haywire, and then beginning to execute his captured comrades, starting with Flintshard. No, not Flintshard! Actually, who cares. Meanwhile, Stryfe orders his giant telepathic brain creatures, the Cronen, to use the capture Rachel Grey to send a telepathic message to Clan Askani telling them she’s back and inviting them to meet up with her to grab a coffee or something, where Stryfe can then destroy them once and for all.
Back in the present, Warlock is recovering from his fake death by reading romance novels in the hospital. Boom-Boom visits him for a motivational chat, and after that, he asks her to pick up the next book the Stablehand’s Seduction series from the Transian library. In the future, Clan Askani totally buy into the Rachel trick and prepare to walk into Stryfe’s trap. Stryfe heads to Cable’s prison cell gloats about it. When he leaves, he finally stars acting the most Stryfelike he’s been this entire series, moaning about how sucky his childhood was with Apocalypse refusing to make him his successor due to Stryfe being a clone. Stryfe insists Cable is really the clone.
In the present, Cannonball and Shatterstar are getting bored fighting random goons around Transia and are ready to ditch this whole X-Force thing, but then some soldiers from The Circle show up to arrest them so they’re happy to get in a real fight. Back in the present, Deathlok gets the portal working, needing only a sufficient power source. Boom-Boom’s time bombs do nicely, and X-Force (including a fully recovered Warpath) head through to the future to save Cable… hopefully.
After a few issues spent explaining backstory, it looks like things are about to kick back into high gear for this series. Sadly, it’s amongst the series that looks like it may be ending to make way for Jonathan Hickman’s new world order. Hopefully we’ll learn more when the August solicits hit.
As always, we recommend reading Adventures in Poor Taste’s X-Men Monday column, which this week focuses on Emma Frost. Will she be getting her own series? Who knows, but there were enough clues there for us to squeeze a clickbait article about it out of it. Unfortunately, Chris Hassan failed to ask about Chris Claremont writing an ongoing series, thanks probably to Emma’s penchant for mindwiping lately. However, we did learn Claremont will have a story in Marvel’s Nearly All-Male, Nearly All-Al-Ewing Marvel #1000, so at least there’s that. No Louise Simonson though because she’s a girl, presumably.
Speaking of Claremont and Simonson, the two of them talk Dark Phoenix here for Fox’s X-Men Day:
If only Marvel would show these two the same respect Fox does.
Also speaking of Claremont, he was pleased to find Dark Phoenix beer in Vegas last week.
Finally, here you can find some Charles Xavier sex talk.
It was a short week last week with only two X-books, and things will continue to be slow this week with just Marvelous X-Men, NextGen, and Uncanny X-Men. The publishing schedule is always calmest before a relaunch. See you next Monday!
Read more X-ual Healing here: