X-ual Healing: How Not to Behave in a Movie Theater, from Deadpool #1

Posted by June 10, 2018 Comment

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in comics.

Each week, armed with the joy, heartbreak, and frustration of 30+ years of reading X-Men comics, we read every new X-book that comes out, recap the events, provide the historical context so you can read it on Marvel Unlimited, and wonder when Marvel will let Chris Claremont write something again.

It’s the way X-Men comics were meant to be read! It’s the column that can only be known as…

For more about the column, check out the reboot issue here.

Skottie Young and Nic Klein bring you the craziest tales of the Regeneratin’ Degenerate yet! It’s been a while since Deadpool’s had to merc to make ends meet, but things are tough all over. While Deadpool tries to get his humble mercenary-for-hire business back off the ground, a catastrophic threat so unfathomably huge, so mind-breakingly cataclysmic it defies description, is heading toward Earth, and there’s only ONE PERSON WHO CAN STOP IT!!!
Oh no, wait…it’s not Wade, is it? Oh, %$@#. It’s Wade.
40 PGS./Parental Advisory …$4.99

Deadpool has a new creative team this month, which means, naturally, that we’ve rebooted to a new #1 issue, even though the book only recently switched back to legacy numbering and hit its 300th issue milestone. Why? Because @#$% you, that’s why. Marvel gotta get that money.

The issue opens with Deadpool in a run-down movie theater watching a film called “Best Friends Buds.” It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that Deadpool is a jerk who talks loudly over the movie, including keeping his cell phone ringer at top volume and taking phone calls from Negasonic Teenage Warhead (cool movie tie-in, bro) in the middle of the theater. She wants to know why Deadpool isn’t “on the job” his client hired him to do. When another moviegoer calls him “fake-ass Spider-Man,” Deadpool excuses himself because it’s time to go to work.

Deadpool announces to the theater that he’s there to do “some not-so-nice things to someone named Rocko,” encouraging innocent moviegoers to clear out. A gang of bikers tell Deadpool he’s in for a world of hurt. Rocko is currently using the bathroom (come on, man, take a pee before the movie starts — that’s basic stuff), but he’s on his way back. Rocko is bigger than Deadpool expected.

Deadpool is there to kill him, but, unfortunately, Rocko isn’t phased when Deadpool shoots him right in the chest. Instead, he pulls out the bullet and flicks it in Deadpool’s face. Then he tosses Deadpool through the window of the theater into the street (why does the theater have a window?). Rocko stomps the crap out of Deadpool outside and walks away, but, of course, we know that Deadpool has a healing factor. He gets right up to continue the fight. Rocky plans to finish him off, but Deadpool pulls a string of grenades out of his pouches, wraps it around Rocko’s neck, and blows them up.

Deadpool walks out of the burning rubble and approaches the biker gang. One of them, Kyle, is the person who put out the contract on Rocko. Deadpool wants more money since Rocko was obviously a superbeing of some sort. Kyle doesn’t want to pay, so Deadpool steals his motorcycle.

Later, we visit the Fairwoods Mall in a town called Croton-on-Hudson outside of New York, which is, believe it or not, a real town. Deadpool’s office is there, it seems, in the back room of a stuffed animal store. Deadpool is naked from the biker scuffle, so he grabs some pink stuffed animals to cover his privates (this comic does have a parental advisory, but some things are just too far). Negasonic Teenage Warhead is working as his receptionist. He gives her the payment from the biker job, which she thinks is light.

Deadpool reminds us that he had his memory wiped (by himself) last issue/last series, but he still feels he should be getting more high profile jobs than the one he just took. Negasonic Teenage Warhead tells him he needs to do something “monumental.” Deadpool suggests a super-mega-crossover event. Please, god, no.

In space, the Guardians of the Galaxy are playing a non-trademark-infringing parody of monopoly.

Their argument about the rules is interrupted by some turbulence, so Star-Lord and Rocket head to the bridge, where Groot is piloting the ship, to check on things. They find… well, we’re not quite sure. Another, larger, ship being sucked into a pink warp hole or something? It’s unclear. Thankfully, on Earth, Iron Man is eating at a restaurant with some Avengers when Star-Lord calls him to explain the confusing previous page. Apparently, a celestial named Groffon the Regurger is headed to Earth to destroy the planet. Ah, we’re still on that crossover event joke. Star-Lord says there’s a weapon on Earth that can stop Groffon, but Iron Man won’t like who has it (it’s Deadpool).

That story will be continued next issue, but we also get a prologue story, taking place the day before. At his office behind the stuffed animal store, Deadpool is complaining to Negasonic Teenage Warhead about the lack of jobs. He has the solution: a more sympathetic origin story. He makes up parody versions of The Hulk, Spider-Man, and Superman’s origin stories. Negasonic Teenage Warhead isn’t feeling any of them, so he tries again, this time ripping off Batman. He was leaving the theater as a child with his parents on his birthday when a mercenary showed up and killed the parents. On second thought, Deadpool realizes he was actually the mercenary in this scenario, not the kid.

Deadpool gives up on the whole origin story thing, but in a surprise twist, the kid whose parents he killed did apparently grow up to be a vigilante, as we see in the final panel that a shadowy figure has beaten up a gang of street thugs and written “Good Night,” the name of the movie playing the night his parents were murdered, on the wall of an alley with their blood.

We’ll see more of him in future issues, maybe?

The Bottom Line

We’re only one issue into this new series, and we’re already getting tired of Deadpool again. It’s nothing personal against this series. It’s just a little exhausting to read something that’s constantly trying too hard to be funny, which is pretty much every Deadpool comic ever. You readers of X-ual Healing wouldn’t know anything about what that feels like, would you? Okay, fine, perhaps we shouldn’t throw stones. Uh… decent issue, though it wasted a lot of time getting to the point.

Further Reading

We’ve all already done a lot of reading this weekend. Instead, just watch the music video for Monster Magnet’s Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

Read more X-ual Healing here:

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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(Last Updated June 10, 2018 10:12 am )

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