Aaaah, The CW's Riverdale – the show that brings us the unexpected, the wild, and yes, multiple bear attacks – and teenagers who are more knowledgeable than adults when it comes to running underground criminal establishments.
Oh, if you haven't finished season 3…maybe go do that? Because it gets absolutely crazy and you need to see it. Also, there are major spoilers in the list that follows… so there's that.
Oh, you were expecting something light and fun and cheery, like the Archie comic strips you grew up with? Sorry to break it to you, friend, but Riverdale isn't it. But it kind of is… because the Archie comics have brought us some pretty bananas storylines and titles… like Afterlife with Archie. My fingers are still crossed that the zombie apocalypse comes to Riverdale next season. I mean… Jingle Jangle, Fizzle Rocks.. bath salts are the next natural step… right? Who really stays dead in the comics world, anyway?
But I digress. The TV form of Archie and the gang is nuts and insane in the best (worst?) ways and I love it.
So here are my top 5 times that Riverdale was so extra…e ven for a show that frequently features the high school boys ripped and shirtless.
5) That time Veronica opens a bar and frequently serves minors.
Yes, our favorite speakeasy run by a 16-year-old girl and her fellow high schoolers is not immune to ridiculous shenanigans. And we're not talking about the secret mob poker games, either! If that bar were real, it would be shut down and its liquor license stripped faster than you can say "Le Bonne Nuit". Realistic? Not at all. But does it give us a setting for teenage angst and teenage bar fights? You bet your friend's mustang it does.
4) The friendly neighborhood cult that took over for the last local cult and is secretly harvesting and selling organs on the black market.
I know – it's a long one, but the storyline for the Farm has gone from "Okay, I can believe this is a thing" to "WHAT THE $%#*! WHY ARE PEOPLE JOINING THIS?!" in like, half a season. It's fantastic and insane and yes – they really are recruiting a bunch of high school kids and harvesting their organs to sell on the black market. That is, until fearless Nancy Drew-type Betty Cooper comes to the rescue!
3) That time Archie has to fight a bear…twice. On two separate occasions.
Not much else to say here – yes, friends, watch Riverdale – that Archie show where he goes head-to-head with a bear…more than once. In the immortal words of Archie Andrews when faced with a bear he must fight, "Oh crap. Not again."
2) The biker gang comprised of 15 year olds and a few token grown up outlaw types. (and Archie and friends).
Seriously, I get that the Southside Serpents are supposed to be from the wrong side of the tracks and rough-and-tumble, but there's an awful lot of high school kids who are full patch members. Is that even a thing in motorcycle gangs? Usually there's at least a "You can't ride you can't vote" rule…so you're telling me all of these children who are sleeping on the streets have motorcycles they ride around? If that's the case, then why are they always walking (except for their king, Jughead)? Which, speaking of good ol' Juggy, what is with the "insta-leader" thing? This kid wanted nothing to do with them, then suddenly he became king and it's all, "Oh, sure! Let all your friends in without initiation or anything! We'll make s'mores and sing songs!" …And where are their parents?!
And my number one favorite time Riverdale was so ridiculous is…
1) The drug trade… featuring the hardcore street drug, Jingle Jangle
Oh yes – no saga about murder and crime and high school kids would be complete without the token "drugs of the universe", in this case it's Jingle Jangle in the first couple seasons, and Fizzle Rocks in the third. Why is this my favorite? Just try to say "Jingle Jangle" with a straight face. Go on, I'll wait…
You can't do it, can you? It's just such a fun and musical phrase that everytime an actor says it in a scene seriously, I just want to applaud.
For bonus points…do you know where the "Jingle Jangle" term came from and why it's in Riverdale (other than the fact that they're just extra and I love it)? You're welcome, friends. Have some more "Jingle Jangle" in your life! (…but don't get murdered by The Black Hood).