With the first issue of DC Comics latest super-mega-crossover event, Heroes in Crisis #1, in stores now, every comic book website on the planet (and some on Mars) are churning out articles about the various casualties that occurred to make the book feel more “serious” and “adult.” We’ve seen spoiler posts, posts confirming spoiler posts, listicles, slideshows, presumably YouTube videos where someone stabs Heroes in Crisis with a knife… but has anyone bothered to look at this from the other side? What about the characters who did not die? Don’t they deserve a listicle of their own?
With that in mind, Bleeding Cool is proud to fill that niche and present: The Top 5 Characters Who Didn’t Die in Heroes in Crisis #1… But Should Have:
5. Booster Gold
Booster Gold begins the story in a diner with Harley Quinn before she suddenly attacks him. Why? We mean, besides the fact that she’s Harley Quinn? Well, if we believe what she said at the end of the issue, it’s because Booster Gold is the hero in crisis who murdered all the other heroes in Sanctuary, because what would a super-serious super-mega-crossover event be if at least one hero wasn’t turned into an irredeemable villain? Rather than putting up with Booster receiving the “Cyclops Treatment” for the next several years, it would probably be better off for all involved if Booster were killed off right here in the first issue as well.
4. Harley Quinn
In all honesty, we don’t really want to see Harley Quinn die. We enjoy her character, and unlike her Marvel counterpart, Deadpool, she hasn’t quite reached the oversaturation level that necessitates a break. In fact, Harley Quinn is hotter than ever, selling comics, movies, and all kinds of merchandise. But that’s exactly why killing her off in Heroes in Crisis #1 would be the smart thing to do. Just think about how valuable this issue would be if it had the totally-permanent death of Harley Quinn in it? It would sell more copies than the Batpenis! But of course, that’s just the opening act. The real money is in Harley’s return a few months later, and more particularly, the hundreds of variant covers that could be produced for her return series and its multiple connected tie-ins, mini-series, and one-shots. By not killing off Harley Quinn in Heroes in Crisis, DC is leaving money on the table, and that’s why she should have died along with everyone else.
Superman spends most of the comic touring the carnage at Sanctuary, a mental health facility that he, Wonder Woman, and Batman created that all of the heroes in the DC Universe have been using for years (but which we’ve never ever seen before in another comic until now). It’s through Superman’s eyes that we learn of all the various characters who have made the ultimate sacrifice: dying off-panel in an event comic to boost DC’s September market share. All of these tragic but sales-boosting deaths may not have been avoidable… but since a great deal of the characters hardly ever appear in comics, if Superman hadn’t told us about them, we might not even have noticed for months. And when it comes to the more popular characters, like Wally West, at least there’s like six other Flashes to make up for his absence. We’re sure that Superman, as well as Wonder Woman and especially Batman, will spend the rest of this series blaming himself for what happened. And he’s right. That’s why Superman should have been killed off in Heroes in Crisis #1.
2. Wonder Woman
It’s no surprise that Batman and Superman would be involved in a storyline as ridiculous as Heroes in Crisis. Superman is a naive farm-boy, and Batman thinks he knows everything. Both are ripe to be suckered into ruining their reputations by appearing in something like this. But Wonder Woman should know better. When they asked Wonder Woman to join the DCEU in her own movie franchise, did she just agree? Nope. She was all like, I did that guest spot in Batman v. Superman, and there’s gotta be some changes around here. First of all, Zack Snyder is staying as far away from this movie as possible, and secondly, it’s gonna have an optimistic tone, not a rehash of the 1980s grimdark era of superhero comics mixed with the philosophies of Ayn Rand. So why didn’t Diana apply that same scrutiny to whether or not she agreed to take part in Heroes in Crisis? Clearly, Wonder Woman has lost her judgment, and that’s why she should have been killed off in Heroes in Crisis #1.
Hasn’t Batman had enough time in the spotlight? The Dark Knight has consistently been DC’s top selling character for decades, and like any good comic book publisher, that has led DC to churning out dozens of monthly titles starring the Caped Crusader or one of his various minions or alternate-continuity versions. Think about how dramatic Heroes in Crisis #1 would have been if it were Batman who died in the first issue? It would be the most serious, adultest comic published since last week when DC showed Batman’s penis in Batman: Damned #1. And speaking of that, now that we know what Batman’s penis looks like, the mystique is ruined anyway. There’s no stories left to tell with Bruce Wayne. He’s over-exposed in more ways than one. And he should be shuffled off of our mortal coil… that is until he’s brought back to life next year in Batman: Dark Knight Rising (though hopefully people don’t still remember the penis thing and get the wrong idea about the title).
Well, that’s all, folks! The top 5 characters who didn’t die in Heroes in Crisis… but should have. They’re also the only 5 characters who didn’t die in Heroes in Crisis, which means that, as a bonus, if they had all died, then the comic would be over and we could all move on from this sad attempt at making an emotional impact by brutally murdering a bunch of beloved heroes in a super-mega-crossover event whose impact will just be undone in the next super-mega-crossover event.
Are there any other characters you thought should have been in the book just so they could have been killed off? Let us know in the comments.
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