Because Deadpool doesn’t have enough books of his own, now he’s going to guest-star in All-New Wolverine?!
Welcome, dear readers, to X-Men: Bland Design, the weekly multi-part recap column that strives to answer the question: “What if Ed Piskor had no art skills, a juvenile sense of humor, and less classic material to work with?”
Things have changed in the X-Men comics (and superhero comics in general) since the glory days recapped in Piskor’s magnum opus. Gone are all of the thought bubbles, most of the narration boxes, most of the references to past issues, and perhaps most importantly, any trace of the idea that any comic could be some reader’s first. Casting aside many of the properties that set comics apart as a medium, the modern superhero-industrial complex has instead chosen to treat comics as glorified storyboards, decompressed and written for the trade.
But for X-Men fans, it doesn’t matter. We’ll obsessively buy and read all of these X-Men comics until the day we die, no matter how bad they get! And if we’re going to do that anyway, we might as well document the experience for you, our dear readers, brothers and sisters and non-binary siblings in suffering.
This week there are five regular-priced X-Books on the stands, which will cost you twenty bucks to buy, and, thanks to the aforementioned decompression, roughly 10 minutes to read: X-Men Blue #22, All-New Wolverine #31, Legion #2, Spider-Man vs. Deadpool #28, and Despicable Deadpool #295. But if that sounds like too little Deadpool for you, fear not! Deadpool also shows up in this week’s issue of…
All-New Wolverine #31
Writer: Tom Taylor
Artist: Marco Failla
Colorist: Nolan Woodard
Letterer: Cory Petit
Cover: David Lopez
We’re kicking off a new story arc in All-New Wolverine, ahead of the upcoming Old Woman Laura storyline which could be the book’s last. The issue kicks off in All-New Wolverine’s apartment, where All-New Wolverine’s clone-sister Honey Badger is upset at Jonathan, the wolverines’ pet wolverine, for chewing through a pelican statue. It happens. Laura tells Gabby to take a Jonathan for a walk, but Gabby protests. Laura uses the universal translator to see what Jonathan thinks. He wants to go for a walk. That’s settled.
But on the walk, Jonathan gets a whiff of something he doesn’t like and goes chasing after it, dragging Gabby behind him. They end up outside an office building which has guards posted. Jonathan tells Gabby that the people here hurt him and hurt his family. Gabby does what anyone would do in this situation and calls up Deadpool on her cellphone.
Deadpool is in the middle of impaling a criminal, but he’s willing to take time out to talk to Gabby. Gabby asks for his help. Deadpool asks if it’s unethical. Gabby isn’t sure. He asks if it’s illegal. She says it is. Deadpool is in. He meets up with Gabby and he’s very impressed by Jonathan. But when he tries to pet Jonathan, Jonathan threatens to eat his face off. Gabby explains that she wants to rescue the other animals from inside the lab, and she and Deadpool both agree that they can burn the place down when they’re done.
Gabby ignores a call from Laura and approaches the guards. While she’s distracting them, Deadpool sneaks up behind and knocks them out with chloroform, which he tells Gabby he always keeps on him for just such an occasion. He explains how important this is to Gabby and gives her his bottle. Surely this will come up again later.
Inside, Gabby chloroforms the desk guard. Deadpool hops on the computer and opens all the animal cages. So far, so good. They enter one of the labs and find… zombie bunnies?!
After dispatching these cute little creatures, the trio stops for a soda from a vending machine while they wait for a zombie sloth to approach. Outside, it’s dusk and All-New Wolverine has arrived on the scene. She questions the guards outside, then heads inside to find Deadpool creating zombie squirrel kabobs. Laura asks Gabby why she didn’t call her, and Gabby says she wanted to punish the people who hurt Jonathan and she was afraid Laura would stop her. Laura says she’s here now and they’ll finish the job.
At that moment, Doctor Boreland, who runs the facility, appears and threatens the wolverines and Deadpool with a shotgun, which Deadpool thinks is the cutest thing he’s seen in this place. Boreland brags about his accomplishments and the team finds a room with a pit full of zombie wolverines, which Jonathan identifies as his brothers and sisters. Awww! There is no research being done here. The experiments are just for fun.
Jonathan goes after Boreland, who threatens to shoot him. All-New Wolverine slices his gun in half. Johnathan presses, and Boreland falls backward into the pit, where he is torn to shreds by Wolverines. Deadpool hands Gabby a lighter and some gasoline, and everyone sits outside to watch the building burn to the ground.
A happy ending? A one-and-done story? This is why All-New Wolverine is one of the best books published by Marvel every month.