Report: WWE Universal Champion Bill Goldberg Poops Twenty Times A Day

Posted by March 29, 2017 Comment

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On Sunday at Wrestlemania, which you may or may not have heard is The Ultimate Thrill Ride (TM), legendary former WCW wrestler Bill Goldberg will defend his WWE Universal Championship against “The Beast” Brock Lesnar . Starting from the time he wakes up on Sunday morning until he steps into the ring with Lesnar, probably sometime after 9PM, Goldberg will likely have pooped more than fifteen times. Giving new meaning to the term “intestinal fortitude,” Goldberg recently appeared on the inaugural episode of Edge and Christian’s Pod of Awesomeness podcast, where he had a startling revelation about his bathroom habits, according to a transcription from Wrestling Inc.

“I am nothing but a machine now,” Goldberg explained. “I get up in the morning. I eat. I train. I eat. I go to the bathroom about 20 times intermittently throughout the day because I’m shoving 15 to 20,000 calories in my body and it doesn’t know what’s going on. At 50 years old, it has no idea.”

The news could have important implications for Goldberg’s upcoming match with Brock Lesnar. If we assume that Goldberg sleeps for eight hours a night and is awake for sixteen hours, that means that Goldberg must poop roughly once every 48 minutes. Though his match with Lesnar is unlikely to last that long, with entrances and post-match celebration factored in, Goldberg will have to carefully time his poops to avoid needing to go while in the ring, which could also explain why his previous matches since his return have been so short.

It’s unknown whether Goldberg will continue his run in WWE after Wrestlemania, but by the time Wrestlemania rolls around, the wrestling superstar will have pooped more than 3400 times since his return to the ring last October. If Goldberg transitions to a new program and continues with WWE until Summer Slam in August, and maintains the same rate of evacuation throughout that time, he will have produced over 6000 bowel movements. There’s a decent probability that, during the time it’s taken us to compose this article, Bill Goldberg has pooped at least one time. The average healthy adult poops anywhere from 150 to 1000 times per year on average, according to statistics.

The connection between poop and wrestling is long and storied and involves some of wrestling’s greatest performers. Wrestler Psycho Sid is alleged to have pooped his trunks during a match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 13. During an episode of Total Divas, WWE superstar John Cena revealed that, due to food poisoning, he once had to run underneath the ring and poop in the middle of a match. WWE reportedly keeps a bucket under the ring for just such circumstances, and for instances when wrestlers must hide under the ring waiting to make a surprise appearance later. Former ECW superstar Tommy Dreamer claims to have pooped his pants after receiving the World’s Strongest Slam finishing move from Mark Henry, while “Stone Cold” Steve Austin admits to the same thing happening to him after a bodyslam by Yokozuna. Even Andre the Giant is reported to have pooped on opponent Bad News Brown during a match while delivering a butt bump in the corner of the ring. These are only a few of wrestling’s most notable poop legends, but Goldberg may be the greatest pooperstar of all time, when all is said and done.

Bill Goldberg’s wrestling career is impressive, and his return to the ring after thirteen years away even more so. But in the list of accomplishments in Bill Goldberg’s life, the one thing that stands out and makes him a true superhero is his truly superhuman ability to poop.

Wrestlemania begins at 7PM Eastern on Sunday, April 2.

(Last Updated March 29, 2017 11:44 am )

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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