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Leave Your Spandex At The Door #4 by Dr Manolis Vamvounis

Dr Manolis Vamvounis writes for Bleeding Cool;

In which I bitch and moan about comics on a weekly basis, in broken english and syntax. Noone is safe!

Follow my daily rantings on @theComicsGreek. For the week's new Regenesis X-books, check out column #3.1.

INCREDIBLE HULK #1

Yay!

Following the events of Fear Itself (in a totally "not really" kind of way) the Hulk and Bruce Banner have been permanently (sic) separated. The Hulk is living quietly underground with an offshoot branch of Mole Man's Moloids, growing a beard, singing Koombaya and being all Survivor-like, while Bruce has been going bat-shit mad scientist crazy on some deserted island attempting to… well, therein lie spoilers.

Jason Aaron's other #1 book from last week, it doesn't pack as strong a punch as UXM#1 but it's smart, concise and in turns funny ("Amanda Von Doom, no relation"?!? I almost chortled to death) and creepy. Pacifist Hulk versus Evil Dr Banner is a quirky little reversal of the book's core concept and I trust Aaron to really go crazy with it.

Marc "still around" Silvestri on the other hand, I could care less about. The art is nice, crisp and shiny, the Hulk is looking all sorts of sexy but there's still things bothering me, like the oversexualised topless dancing female Moloids (they have genders?!?). I guess Silvestri was growing so restless with not having any scantily-clad girls to draw for a whole issue that he decided to draw boobies on everything that moves. AWKWARD! 7/10

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #672-673

The conclusion of (and epilogue to) the mighty epic Spider-Island crossover. What started as a simple yet elegantly Awesome concept of "the entire human population of Manhattan gains Spider-man's powers", turned into THE most expertly planned and executed crossover of the year, and culminated into one sweet love letter from New York (and Dan Slott) to Spider-man – and the best damn use of Mary Jane Watson in a comic, ever.

Sure, the reveal of the mystery villain was a huge "Huh?!" followed by a resounding "WHO?!!?", but no misgivings and nitpicks could balance out the sense of scale and the pure geek love for ALL things Spidey that permeats every page of this book. And I do mean ALL things. I thought Kaine was done and gone after his impressive showing (in the events of the Grim Hunt just less than two years ago), but here he is again, along with the Jackal, the Gwen Stacey clone, the whole Clone Saga shebang.

The entire rich and vast supporting cast that Slott has set up during his tenure on the book makes a showing, all with added Spider-y goodness, but it's not all as random and chaotic as Slott would have you believe, it all serves his master plan to bring Spidey back up from the (in-story) slump he has been in, redefine his connection to the city, reinvigorate the importance of Peter Parker as the man behind the Spider-mask and reexamine (or rather cross-examine) his relationships with the women in his life: his latest girlfriend Carlie "Spider-Cop" Cooper and Mary Jane "Spider Ex-Girlfriend" Watson – and therein lies the true Spidey magic.

People may have bitched and moaned about OMD and OMIT and the Spider-marriage breakup, but that was seriously the best thing to have ever happened to Peter and MJ. That relationship was in such a creative rut for so many years, it was quite painful (and tedious) to watch. Seeing how the two now respond to each other as ex-lovers and best friends reaffirms the deep connection between them and brings out all the lost/forgotten potential in MJ's character. 8/10

(bonus section: the two best panels of this week's issue, which of course involved full frontal or full moon nudity)

AVENGERS ACADEMY #21

The remaining five members of the Avengers Academy (all still on the verge of growing up into the world's deadliest super-villains) meet their new classmates from all around the Marvel Universe in this cover-billed "1st issue of a new era".

(btw kudos to Marvel for the idea, drawing in new readers with the huge #1 on the cover without alienating existing fans)

Roll Call: Wanna try naming all of them?

I see: Juston Seyfert and his pet Sentinel (from Sean McKeever's "Sentinel"), the new She-Hulk (the daughter of Hulk and Thundra), the new Spider-Girl (formerly Arana), Butterball and Dragonwing from Avengers Initiative, the quartet of Julie Powers (Power Pack), Ricochet (Slingers). the new Penance (Generation-X) and Turbo (New Warriors) from C. B. Cebulski's teen superhero support group book "The Loners", Rocket Racer from the pages of the 70s (!) Amazing Spider-man book, the new Power Man (from the Shadowland crossover), the new new White Tiger, Adam Aaronson (the "Machine Teen") and hovering on that rocket chair… Taki from that 80s Inferno tie-in mini "the Χ-terminators"?!?

I hear you girl! The book's focus remains solely on the 'main drama cast' of the book (with the two additions of the 'other' Marvel rainbow-powered lesbian, Julie Powers and new White Tiger), with the new kids acting as background material in the same way that the kids in Morrison's New X-Men book did.

Christos Gage seems to be the only Marvel writer to really take full advantage of the potential of Fear Itself. He pitted his kids in the middle of a real horrifying war zone, forcing them to make a series of unbearably hard decisions before they were ready to, choices of life and death, sacrifice for the common good and murder. The result is a group of kids that is more exciting to read than before, and the Avengers franchise's greatest book in a long time. 7/10

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THINK FAST! QUICK ROUND REVIEWS!

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ANGEL & FAITH #3

Faith and Angel, slaying it up in London and trying to resurrect old dead man Giles. Wait, what? Christos Gage has his characters' voices down like a pro and is crafting some deeply personal stories by drawing from their shared and recent history.

A few moans? You'd think if there was an actual widely available Magical Cure For Anything, ANY illness, cancer, amputated limbs, VAMPIRISM, floating around in posh tupperware parties for the undead, there would be a bit more mayhem and commotion than what we're actually seeing. Wouldn't you expect some sort of moral dilemma to come into play before you set free/extinguish the captured demon whose blood is the source of such cure? A plot device that's far greater in scale than the story it serves, many a wasted opportunity but still a fun read as it is. 7/10

SPACEMAN #1

A mutated monkeyman who never got to live out his destiny/purpose as a spaceman spends out his days on the derelict future earth society, having drug-induced dreams of how life could have been for him on some (other) uninviting planet. Or is that the other way around? The Azzarello and Risso dream team returns in force with a tight/dense read of a post-apocalyptic sci-fi adventure, where the apocalypse event was society itself. It takes some effort to decrypt, mainly due to the de-evolved (and very probable/believable) future language Azzarello has introduced here, but there is a wealth of sociopolitical commentary to be extracted from every single weird little ditty here. And did I mention how pretty it is? 8/10

AQUAMAN #2

More of the man-eating B-movie horror sea creatures and less of the fish and chips dining and blogger interviewing, it instantly makes for a better read than last month. 8/10

SUPERMAN #2

I thik I got tired just by flipping through it. The little villain twist was fresh if a bit heavy-handed. This book could really shine if it would just SHUT. UP! and let the art tell the story. For an acclaimed artist George Perez really has a tough time grasping that concept. 3/10

(bonus section: when product placement goes horribly wrong)

BATMAN DARK KNIGHT #2

Then again, as boring as Perez's narration can be, it at least has a sense of modesty in it and doesn't try to sell itself as something smarter and edgier than it is. Like, say, this:

And if you will allow me, i'd really like to talk about the bunny in the room. Namely how the G.D. Batman can't seem to be able to catch up to an 18-year old girl in 7-inch heels and garters, dressed as a playboy bunny, inside a running train!

Insane! 3/10

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS #2

Kyle Rayner is such a rainbow ring hog and the other Lantern Corps co-pilots are NOT amused. Not half as bad as the last issue. Mainly because half of it is NOT drawn by Tyler Kirkham. Harvey Tolibao is a perfect fit for this book. A dark exaggerated approach to T&A with interesting dynamic compositions. Kirkham would of course have to come back in time for that loooong-awaited last page surprise to take all the fun and excitement out of it. 5/10

VOODOO #2

Heeeeeey, was that the first lesbian sex scene in a DC Comic? It would of course have to involve one of the participants being an alien stripper shape-shifter (a shape-stripper?) masquerading as a man at the time, but we'll take our victories where we can. Ron Marz manages to make each 20-page issue of this book read like a full episode of some 90s dark and chasey TV drama and fill each page with just gallons of sex without it ever coming across as exploitative. 7/10

FLASH #2

Let's be honest. Noone really cares about/remembers what this story is about. We all tune in every month to see what new kind of crazy shit graphic storytelling device Francis Manapul is going to come up with next as he explores the world through the eyes of the "Fastest Man Alive". And that's all well and good for now. At some point though even THAT well is bound to run dry, and I hope Manapul has managed to build a sufficient connection between the reader and the vacant slate of a starring man that Barry Allen currently is. 7/10

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK #2

Are Dove and Deadman DC's answer to Cyclops and Emma Frost or Iron Man and Ms Marvel? How are they the focus of THREE ongoing titles? Dove is the only DC superheroine to appear in more than one title since the reboot two months ago! Should we be expecting a movie announcement soon?

This issue deals with the romantic problems between a couple who can't really 'be together' since one of them is actually a ghost who can only touch the other by possessing someone else. And that's exactly what he suggests they do here, to hilarious comedic effect.

Soap opera with a brilliant sci-fi twist, a great ironic look at superheroes and some gorgeous art (who knew a Rob Liefeld costume design could be made to look this sharp?). Milligan FTW. 9/10

(bonus section: the most succinct sarcastic look at the female psychology, in a single comic book panel:)

ASTONISHING X-MEN #43

What, you thought that scene with Dove was corny? At least that was an intended response. Wait until you read about Danger's emotional breakdown after some robot bad guy (with an even worse set of facial hair) she just met inside a high-security prison gives her the brush-off.

Yeah, I concur. "WTF". Still, I don't think anyone who bought a comic sporting THIS (gorgeous) cover:

ever plans to take it out of its polybag to read it. It's bound to get sticky. #nudgenudge 3/10

ULTIMATE COMICS ULTIMATES #3

Wait, Spider-Woman is now a member of the Ultimates? Fury didn't learn his lesson from getting Peter Parker killed, he has to go and endanger his also teenage female clone? WTF, man. And last time I thought Liz Allen in Ultimate X was bad. As boring as the actual proceedings and the airplane shootings are in this issue, we still get to stare lovingly at all the purty purty Esad Ribic art. #drools 5/10

FIRESTORM: FURY OF THE NUCLEAR MEN #2

Exactly. Still no explanation about what is happening, what the deal is with the two (three?) new Firestorms, how their powers work, how they gained them, what happens when they combine, WHY WE SHOULD EVEN CARE! This slow-burning approach to the plot of the book has already fast extinguished my interest in the book. Where's the fun? And what is UP with that horrible horrible scribbling trying to pass off as comic book art? 2/10

SECRET AVENGERS #18

This is Warren Ellis (still) showing you how it's done. Another self-contained issue full of gorgeous David Aja-illustrated action pages in this vein,

experimenting with the flow of storytelling on the page in multiple dimensions during a battle in a multi-dimensional space. Yes, that's exactly how he rolls. 7/10

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND BUCKY #623

A book about Bucky's adventures during WWII? I swear it's not as dire as you'd expect. Or even not at all actually. This is the new and all-dangerous and spy-tastic and black ops training Bucky from Brubaker's retro-retooling of the character, but through a softer more intimate lens courtesy of co-writer Marc (Manhunter) Andreyko and fan-fave artist Chris (Thor the Mighty Avengers) Samnee. As fun as the subject matter would allow and quite touching. 7/10

TEEN TITANS #2

The action sequences in this book are always fun and just original enough beyond the usual generic splash page money shots of most current books, but the real magic here lies in the quiet moments between these teenage runaways, Wonder Girl setting up the couch for Robin to sleep on, the distrust and the blooming friendship or budding romance, this is all teen drama gold. 7/10

I, VAMPIRE #2

I expected more from an issue told from the perspective of last issue's breakout star, Mary the Queen of Blood. More than some trite sappy melodrama about how awesome Andrew McFangs is. The Jae Lee "inspired" art is still pretty to look at but it's not doing the storytelling and clarity any favours. Something directly aimed at the Twilight crowd who are looking for an extra edge, perhaps? 4/10

ACTION COMICS #3

Gene Ha's pseudo-intellectual sci-fi adaptation of life on the doomed planet Krypton wasn't enough of a hook for this non-event of an issue. I'm not really enamoured with the idea of Brainiac being so involved in the planet's destruction, but I'll be waiting to see how Morrison plays this out. Meanwhile, the level of quality in Rags Morales's work is deteriorating every month, despite his increasingly reduced workload with the influx of fill-in artists. Is he going to be scribbling with his foot in #4? 5/10

HAWK AND DOVE #3

Fine, I'll admit it. This was the book I read first this week. Don't be mistaken, it's clearly a BAD comic, but it's unique in that it's so self-aware of its suckiness that it just goes all out and ends up being actually enjoyable in a Bizarro kind of way. For example, in this issue the evil Birds kidnap President Obama (he and Rob Liefeld are old friends) for no other reason than to draw out Hawk and Dove. REALLY? Are these two SO high-profile that they don't even respond to an emergency call unless it's a matter of utmost national security? And are they really the White House's primary go-to crime-stopping duo when the President's life is in jeopardy? Such great/BAD trashy guilty fun. 5/10

(bonus section: pun-tastic!)

RED LANTERNS #3

I have noooo idea where that whole over-arching Earth subplot is going, but I enjoy the self-contained stories in each issue. We'd seen Bleez's full backstory back in Blackest Night: Tales of the Corps #2 but this is the first time we really get a feel of her personality before and after her transformation.

This entire series is a study in contradictions. Milligan is writing a straightforward Green Lantern family book that still manages to speak about the nature of pain and loss and rage,filled with little ironic twists and turns. Ed Benes takes that script and draws a whole lot of creative extreme close up ass shots. 6/10

ANIMAL MAN #3

Animal Man and Animal Lass (let's trademark that) take a trip through the Red, the conceptual horror home dimension of the animal totems past. The comic that makes you go YUCK and WOW in the span of the same panel. Or rather, EACH panel. Disgusting in an unsettling, rough around the edges, charming, sickening, I'll go puke now, grotesque way. 7/10

GREEN ARROW #3

What? No more unintentionally funny panels this month? Just some tedious preachy comments about twitter and social networking? Not just pointless, but boring too. 1/10

O.M.A.C. #3

The walking, breathing (punching, yelling) Kirby 60s homage that is O.M.A.C. has a run in with the system and ends up in a prison led by a "Psi-Fi" monster. It's the same brand of self-contained over-the-top retro action-fest that I've enjoyed in the past few months, but feeling more like a filler than a main event. 5/10

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL #3

Even paired up into teams of two, these character still fail to show any signs of life beyond their stereotyped ethnical tropes. We are already three issues into this book, I expected something better in terms of fun, action or characterisation to keep me interested in this book. 3/10

DETECTIVE COMICS #3

How cute (or is that tragic) is Tony 'Salvador' Daniel for trying so desperately to turn a new leaf and gain some of that much coveted J. H. Williams III level recognition in his field. Well, at least he's trying… This issue finds Batman narrowly escaping one deadly encounter with the Doll-maker to go home, recuperate and then end up in another one by the end of the issue. Villains are so thoughtful these days. I'll admit to the creepiness of the new villains' designs, but that's it. 4/10

VILLAINS FOR HIRE #0.1

Can someone explain the logic of having a #0.1 issue before a title's 1st issue has even shipped? Do 0.1s sell better than #1s? Doesn't it just lead to confusion? Like in this case, I have NO idea what the book is going to be about, only one of the villains on the cover show up in the actual issue, and the story itself is some filler nonsense introducing a team of Misty Knight, Silver Sable, Black Panther (he's not a King anymore? why is Storm still referred to as a Queen in the X-Men book then?), Paladin and Hellstorm (YEAH!). Are they the book's protagonists? HELP! 4/10

STORMWATCH #3

I dislike the new blank slate approach to the team's history, it gets rid of the greatest family dynamic in the book, the married couple of Apollo and the Midnighter raising the teenage reincarnation of their old best friend, Jenny Sparks. I couldn't even name you all the current new and old members in the team. All big egos and larger-than-paper personalities vying for some space and struggling for air. So many great ideas, all floating around in vacuum with no sense of direction or cohesion. 5/10

THE STRANGE TALENT OF LUTHER STRODE #2

Everyone should be reading this book! Or at least everyone in a mental institution or under severe medication for violent tendencies. It's the sort of comic you'd find Garth Ennis stashing in his toilet to beat off to.

Here's one scene in the issue. This teenage bully wakes up to some noises coming from the kitchen. He goes to check it out and finds his parents murdered and propped up at the kitchen table. The dad has been ripped in half, taking up two chairs, and wearing the mom's head as a hat. Cuteness. 8/10

This week's books in descending order of awesomeness:

WOLVERINE AND THE X-MEN #1 9/10

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK #2 9/10

UNCANNY X-MEN #1 8/10

NEW MUTANTS #33 8/10

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #672-673 8/10

SPACEMAN #1 8/10

THE STRANGE TALENT OF LUTHER STRODE #2 8/10

AQUAMAN #2 8/10

ANIMAL MAN #3 7/10

AVENGERS ACADEMY #21 7/10

VOODOO #2 7/10

TEEN TITANS #2 7/10

ANGEL AND FAITH #3 7/10

SECRET AVENGERS #18 7/10

INCREDIBLE HULK #1 7/10

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND BUCKY #623 7/10

FLASH #2 7/10

RED LANTERNS #3 6/10

HAWK AND DOVE #3 5/10

ULTIMATE COMICS ULTIMATES #3 5/10

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS #2 5/10

ACTION COMICS #3 5/10

O.M.A.C. #3 5/10

STORMWATCH #3 5/10

I, VAMPIRE #2 4/10

X-MEN #20 4/10

VILLAINS FOR HIRE #0.1 4/10

DETECTIVE COMICS #3 4/10

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL #3 3/10

SUPERMAN #2 3/10

ASTONISHING X-MEN #43 3/10

BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT #2 3/10

FIRESTORM #2 2/10

GREEN ARROW #3 1/10
10 Fun Facts about Dr Manolis Vamvounis:

-Yes, he's a real doctor. Of science.

-He's newly 30, single and very available.

-He has been reading comics for more than 25 years.

-He has been writing about comics for just over 10 years.

-His first fansite was the highly popular RETRO-X-PUNK for the Milligan/Allred X-Force relaunch

-He launched it 3 months BEFORE the first issue of that book came out

-Doop and the X-Statix remain to this day his all-time favourite characters

-Noone got him the X-Statix Omnibus for his birthday

-Noone got him any birthday presents at all

-Instead of presents he'd love it if you at least just followed him on twitter (@theComicsGreek wink wink)

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