In December, Marvel Comics will publish Incoming, kicking off the next year’s worth of various super-mega-crossover events and number one issue relaunches with the shocking death of a character that will unite all the heroes of the Marvel Universe to solve the mystery. There’s nothing Marvel loves more than the shocking death of a character to show just how serious whatever the event-of-the-moment is, but since we’ve got some lead time on this one, we figure we could offer Marvel some suggestions on just who they should kill off this time.
Conan the Barbarian
So you’ve recently gotten back the rights to publish Conan comics, but, whoops, you couldn’t help yourself and launched seventeen consecutive series starring the titular barbarian. Now, less than a year after he debuted, Conan is already feeling a bit over-exposed — and not just because he only wears a loincloth. No worries! There’s a perfect solution: kill him off! Not only would nobody see it coming, but he’ll be just as popular as ever when you bring him back six months later!
In Gwenpool Strikes Back, we learn that Gwen is looking for ways to stay relevant so that Marvel editorial doesn’t forget about her and she can keep starring in comic books. Well, what better way to stay relevant than to be killed off to start a super-mega-crossover event (or whatever this is supposed to be)? People will be talking about Gwen probably until the next big Marvel death, and that’s gotta be what, three months at least? Honestly, we’re just surprised she hasn’t come up with the idea on her own.
Look, we’re not saying we don’t love Major X. His mini-series was awesome and we’d love to see more of him. But the fact of the matter is, we all saw what happened with Youngblood. Who knows what possibilities Rob Liefeld has left open for Terrific Production LLC to gain control of more of his characters. Major X could be next. Andrew Rev might own him already, for all we know. It’s probably best to kill him off now.
We all know that Marvel loves to make their comics more like the movies, even though the movies are technically based on the comics, like a giant multimedia snake constantly swallowing its own tail. Tony Stark’s death in Avengers: Endgame really gave people all the feels, and Marvel can capitalize on all the hard work Marvel Studios put into that moment by cheaply killing off Tony for this event comic. Sure, we’re pretty certain Marvel already killed off Tony just died and came back in the comics a few years ago, but honestly, who hasn’t?
We know that after that deal between Disney and Sony fell through, certain high-ranking Marvel executives and Trump advisors have got to be pretty ticked off. What better way to get back at Sony than to spitefully kill Spider-Man off in the comics? Yes, technically, we see him right on the cover, looking at the dead body, which would seem to disqualify him. But does it? There are like twenty-five other Spider-people running around the Marvel Universe at any given moment. Who would even know the difference?
Wiccan or Hulkling
These popular Young Avengers just made international news cycles when the mayor of Rio de Janeiro tried to ban Avengers: The Children’s Crusade for featuring their epic gay kiss. Marvel is currently riding that headline news into a new wave of popularity for the characters, but you know what would make even more headline news? If they killed one of them off. Just think of all the outraged editorials that would be written in the wake of that. Hell, we’d probably write three or four of them ourselves! It’s like a license to print money, people! Wait, why doesn’t Marvel just print their own money?
Ten years after Disney purchased Marvel, their flagship character finally appeared in Marvel Comics thanks to the D23 variant cover for Marvel Comics #1000. Ten years is a long time to wait… to kill someone off. But honestly, Marvel has no choice but to do it. Sure, Disney executives would probably totally freak out at the mere suggestion, but sometimes you’ve just got to do what’s best for someone, even if they don’t know what’s good for them. Since he’s only made one appearance, Mickey is like the only Marvel Comics character that hasn’t been killed off yet, which means speculators will eat it up. Remember when Akira Yoshida said he had an idea to sell a million copies? This is it. It’s got to be.
We hope you enjoyed our suggestions, and hopefully Marvel is listening. Do you have any ideas of your own on which beloved characters should be sacrificed for a short-term sales boost? Post your ideas in the comments!