London – British comic book writer Al Ewing transformed into legendary British science fiction monster Gorgo and promptly began destroying the city Friday following news that Ewing would write 12 stories in Marvel’s upcoming Marvel Comics #1000 anthology. Authorities assured worried Londoners that everything was under control even as BBC News footage showed Ewing swatting fighter jets out of the air while stomping on Buckingham Palace.
“Thank goodness,” said Prime Minister Theresa May, pleased to have something to distract from the Brexit debacle, even if it would mean a potential death toll in the thousands. “I mean, we’re doing everything in our power to put a swift end to this crisis.”
Despite May’s assurances, the rampaging Ewing had already caused millions of dollars in property damage, some of it to world-famous landmarks and tourist attractions.
“Roighto, ‘e took out The Gherkin, the Walkie Talkie, and the Cheesegrater, ‘e did” reported comic book tabloid mogul Rich Johnston, seemingly reveling in the destruction and relishing any chance to casually mention hanging out with British comic book creators. “Just last week Oi was drinkin’ wit me droogies Kieron and Al at the pub, Oi was, and Oi told ‘im, Al old bloke, you better not get a big head about this Marvel Comics #1000 stuff. And ‘e said to me, ‘ow did you know about that Rich, we ‘aven’t announced it yet, and Oi said, pip pip Al, Oi have me sources, Oi do, but it seems Oi shoulda warned ‘im about the rest of ‘is body, wot wot?”
It’s unknown how Ewing came to transform into Gorgo, but it’s believed that all of the teasers released on social media featuring Ewing, which were timed to release at exactly 6PM, paired with various artists coincided with a volcanic eruption a few miles off coast, causing Ewing to become the legendary monster.
Marvel Comics #1000, conceived of by Marvel Editor-in-Chief C.B. Cebulski last week while tweeting from the executive bathroom, is an effort by the publisher to sell a million copies of a comic book while simultaneously tweaking competitors DC Comics, who saw success with recent Action Comics #1000 and Detective Comics #1000 projects.
“Marvel Comics bears no legal responsibility for the actions of independent contractor Al Ewing,” Cebulski said in a statement. “After all, Gorgo is a Charlton character, so if anything, you have to blame DC for this.”
Even so, Cebulski pledged to use all of Marvel’s resources to help stop Ewing from causing further damage, including Cebulski’s own vast knowledge of Kaiju from his time spent as a ninja assassin for Clan Yoshida in Japan.
“What we have to do is get another comic book writer to transform into a giant monster in order to take Al Ewing down,” Cebulski suggested. “We’re looking at probably using Dan Slott, as his ego is practically all the way there already.”
When asked whether Marvel could have prevented this by including more than nine women on the lineup of fifty-five creative teams featured in Marvel Comics #1000, rather than having Ewing write twenty-percent of the stories, Cebulski quickly tossed an explosive pellet on the ground and disappeared in the resulting smoke.
At press time, Ewing had captured Meghan Markle and climbed to the top of the Big Ben Clock Tower, where Royal Air Force jets were circling the area, waiting for a chance to strike without harming the new royal mother. We’ll keep you updated on this developing situation.