How Deadpool’s @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

What’s that? You’re looking for recaps of all the X-Men comics that came out last week? Well, you certainly stumbled upon the right article! Let’s get to it then, shall we?


Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in all of comics.


How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Uncanny X-Men #17
(W) Matthew Rosenberg (A) Carlos E. Gomez (CA) Whilce Portacio
• First…the X-Men lose one of their own.
• Then…the new Black King of the Hellfire Club makes a move.
Rated T+
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

Jumping ahead from the final page of last issue, in which Mirage revealed that Wolfsbane was dead, based on her longtime psychic connection with Rahne, this issue picks up the morning of Rahne’s funeral at Harry’s Hideaway, where Wolverine informs Cyclops he won’t be attending. Wolverine has other plans, and they involve the police report from Rahne’s murder, which Multiple Man has acquired for him. Wolverine also grabs the recently-captured Kwannon, passes more Jamie dupes playing strip poker with the Warlock-infected Jamie dupe, and then proceeds to steal Havok’s car. Havok puts up a fight, and wants to go with Logan, but Logan isn’t having it.

The next scene is intercut with Magik and Dani speaking at Rahne’s funeral, as Wolverine and Kwannon drive to the suburbs and bust in on a living room full of some young men playing video games. These are Rahne’s killers, and Kwannon replays the events of that night using her psychic powers. You can read about it in more detail here, but to sum it up, Rahne was accosted by these men in the park, and when they refused to take no for an answer, and she accidentally let her mutant powers manifest, they beat her to death, all the while accusing her of “tricking” them into believing she’s a “normal girl.”

Now it’s time for Wolverine to make these men pay, but O.N.E. agents show up on the scene, and not to arrest the men. Wolverine leaps into action, and we cut to later, at the bar, when he returns with his clothes torn to shreds. Cyclops lectures him about the legacy of the X-Men, but Cyclops reminds him of the Schism. A fight breaks out, but Logan breaks down and reveals that he’s no different than Cyclops, and that Rahne’s death is his own fault. Juggernaut breaks them up because it’s time for a final page reveal. He asks why Emma Frost isn’t on Cyclops’ list of mutant problems to solve, but none of the other X-Men, including Cyclops, know who Emma Frost is.

We’ve already written a few times about the big death in this issue, first recapping the death itself, and then recapping Matthew Rosenberg’s sort-of apology. Go and read that here, and the articles linked to there. With the rest of the issue, it was good to see Wolverine and Cyclops’ animosity come to a boil, and the Emma Frost mindwiping plot looks like it could be promising. But who else is going to die? Rosenberg promised two more

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Major X #3
(W) Rob Liefeld (A) Whilce Portacio (CA) Rob Liefeld
With the X-Istence threatened, Major X has no choice but to leap through time to save it. With a little help from Cable and Wolverine, can even the Major overcome the terrible threat of an infamous killer with the initials DP?
Rated T+
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

At Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters in the early 90s, Wolverine and M’Koy, the mysterious mutant who may or not be The Beast, have a sparring session where Wolverine can’t get over how M’Koy smells. Wolverine wants to know if M’Koy is The Beast or not, but M’Koy doesn’t want to mess with the timestream… ironic, considering All-New X-Men. In any case, Cable and Major X return from their undersea battle last issue, and Cable hands Major X and M’Koy two personal transporters, each with just two slides left in them to get where they need to go to continue their quest to find the X-ential and save the X-istence.

Meanwhile, in Atlantis, evil future Atlantean royals Lora and Nomar tell off their minions for failing to beat Major X and Cable last issue. Lora reveals that their mission requires eliminating Major X or their bloodline will be destroyed. At the X-Mansion, Cable gives Major X a hug (Major X is actually Cable’s son), and the Major and M’Koy head to Cape Elizabeth, Maine in the year 2000, at the lighthouse headquarters of The Watchtower, which is where Major X was created. The Watchtower, and its leader, The Administrator, first showed up in a two-part Wolverine story by Liefeld from Wolverine #154-155, in case you want to go read it on Marvel Unlimited. M’Koy is horrified by some of the gruesome experiments going on here as they search for The X-Ential, but they’re interrupted by Dreadpool and The Scourge, a team that’s also from that Wolverine story back in the day.

And folks, they have the best, most Liefeldian names ever. Check this out:

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Vance f***ing Rebus. Anyways, a fight ensues, the highlight of which is Major X’s trademark action dialog, such as when he’s beating up Mini-Max…

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

*chef’s kiss*

It comes down to a fight between Major X and Dreadpool, but that’s interrupted when The Administrator shows up, along with his pupil… The X-Ential. This glorious comic will continue next issue.

Say what you want about Major X, but it’s never boring. Every time I write an article about Major X selling out, the comments are all like “why???” but the answer is simple: the book is fun to read, regardless of whatever criticisms people might have about its reliance on nostalgia or the ridiculousness of Liefeldisms. People want to be entertained. No shocking character deaths steeped in hamfisted social allegory that ultimately backfires with the groups it’s trying to reference, no super-mega-crossover event tie-in change-the-universe-forever stakes, not horrifically decompressed to make the perfect trade paperback collection. Look, we all know that organic steamed vegetables are better for us, but sometimes you just want a nice, greasy cheeseburger. Major X is the greasy cheeseburger of X-Men comics with a side of super-sized fries, and it’s delicious.

And how could we not award it the Wolverine’s Weiner X-Pick of the Week after that?

Congratulations to the creative team.

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Age of X-Man: Prisoner X  #3
(W) Vita Ayala (A) German Peralta (CA) Patrick Zircher
THE AGE OF X-MAN CONTINUES!
• One of the inmates holds the key to unlocking their true reality. Is it Beast?
• And who is really pulling the strings within the prison walls?
Rated T+
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

This issue starts with Honey Badger having flashbacks to both the world outside the prison and the actual reality, which makes her angry, which she takes out on her fellow prisoners, popping her claws despite not having a healing factor to heal her hands afterward. Beast manages to calm her down before she gets sent to solitary, convincing her to go to medical instead. As Beast watches Honey Badger get stitched up in the medical lab, he too has flashbacks. Dani Moonstar approaches and some X-pository dialog reveals that Beast is unable to use his brain most of the time, feeling nothing but rage, but when Dani is around, his head is clear. Their conversation is interrupted by Polaris having a freak-out. Guards tackle Polaris and she’s unable to fight back, not only because her powers are turned off in the prison by a collar, but also because she has a psychic block that makes her think she’s wearing a straightjacket. But Dani sneaks up, snatches the keys from one of the guards, and tosses it to Polaris, who “breaks out” of her straightjacket and unlocks the collar. Now it’s on. Polaris unleashes her powers on the guards, and we cut to Forge watching on the monitors in his office. He picks up a red hotline phone (rotary, for some reason). Chaos erupts in the prison, but then something happens, and suddenly everything is calm, except for Dani, who hears a maniacal laughing. Everyone else in the cafeteria that was moments ago being wrecked by Polaris is back to normal, including Honey Badger, who has no memory of her actions earlier or sign of her injuries.

In his cell, Bishop tells someone that this is “crazy, even for you.” In an all-white, empty room, Legion responds, telling him it won’t matter because Bishop won’t remember tomorrow. Oh snap! Now that’s a cliffhanger!

We’ve been calling this the best Age of X-Man book, and that continues to hold true. If Major X weren’t so over the top, this would have been the Wolverine’s Weiner X-Pick of the week. In the spirit of Wolverine having two d***s, maybe we should give out two? In any case, Age of X-Man as an event is underwhelming, but totally worth it just for this book alone (and X-Tremists too). It’s not often that the X-Books delve into psychological horror, and when they try, it’s often laughably bad (see: the most recent Legion series), but everything clicks here and I’m loving it.

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Dead Man Logan #7
(W) Ed Brisson (A) Mike Henderson (CA) Declan Shalvey
Enter the Wastelands!
While Logan was in the Marvel Universe, the Wastelands fell even further into armageddon… welcome to your new future, True Believers!
Parental Advisory
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

Back in the Wasteland at last with just five issue left of his death mini-series, Old Man Logan walks through the desert until he finds some people and demands to know where he is. It turns out he’s in the kingdom of the Lizard, in Florida. Wolverine beats the crap out of the locals and steals their truck, then takes a road trip until the truck is blown up by a landmine in a place called Kaiser. Wolverine awakens to find himself the prisoner of some backwoods cannibals who have captured him and plan to keep him alive so they can eat his flesh, a renewable resource. There he stays for several weeks until a car pulls up and Dani Cage and Hulk Jr. (the son of Wastelands Bruce Banner) hop out, killing the hillbillies. Dani punches Logan for disappearing on her back in Old Man Logan Vol. 2 #1 and not returning for seven years. Dani wants answers, but more importantly, she’s concerned, because if she was able to find Logan, that means others can too.

That brings us back to Florida, where another man approaches the same locals Logan stole a truck from earlier, wanting to know where he went. And it turns out it’s Sabretooth.

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Deadpool #12
(W) Skottie Young (A/CA) Scott Hepburn
GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK!
• The brutal, bloody final battle between Deadpool and Good Night!
• Even if Deadpool survives, will this blood ever come off his hands?
• I dunno, y’all. I want to write a joke or something here, but this mess is INTENSE!
Parental Advisory
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

Deadpool continues his battle with Good Night from last issue, which is filled with lots of “witty” banter as you might imagine, and in which Deadpool makes the case that if he was hired to kill Good Night’s parents, they must have been involved in some shady s***. Good Night isn’t buying it, and the battle continues, moving from an alleyway to the top of a speeding bus, where Deadpool is able to make some very timely references to the 1994 film Speed, which is at least a change of pace from lifting Bea Arthur jokes from the 1994 film Airheads. This continues until Good Night is about to finish Deadpool, when Weasel shows up and tells Good Night to stop. Weasel wants Deadpool to die, but not yet. He needs to suffer first, just like the readers of this book suffer. Later, we see Deadpool’s daughter, Ellie, watching news footage of the battle and crying. Then we see Weasel and Mephisto watching Ellie, hinting they will be going after her to make Deadpool hurt next issue… though it’s unclear why he’ll care since he doesn’t remember she exists.

My favorite thing about this Deadpool series is that it’s almost time for another relaunch.

How Deadpool's @#$% Got a Major Power Upgrade [X-ual Healing 5-1-19]

Domino: Hotshots #3
(W) Gail Simone (A) David Baldeon (CA) R. B. Silva, Guru eFX
Behold! The Creation Constellation!
• What does it do? You know, besides incite an international arms race between the most powerful governments in the world…
Rated T+
In Shops: May 01, 2019
SRP: $3.99

We pick up where the previous issue ended, with the Hotshots’ plane about to crash and everyone about to die after Tony Stark ordered his robot suits to attack it. On the ground, War Machine tells him that the plane is going to crash into the city of Buenos Aires, so Tony orders his suits to try to push it into the water instead. On the plane, Diamondback leaps from one piece of wreckage to another in order to rescue Domino so they can all die together. But as it turns out, they all end up surviving the crash into the ocean. Black Widow appeals to her old Avengers buddy Iron Man, and he agrees to let the Hotshots go after the Celestial artifact. Tony agrees and has his robots repair Atlas Bear’s ship. He hopes he can hire them all later if it works out.

On the beach while the ship is being repaired, Diamondback gets to third base with Deadpool. No, seriously.

X-ual Healing

Then Tony gives the team motorcycles and they head off to retrieve the artifact… but run into a group of Sentinels. In the battle, Outlaw is blasted by one, but then she grows into a giant, imbued with the Celestial infection she’s had since issue #1, and destroys them. As if this weren’t shocking enough, it turns out Domino, Diamondback, and Deadpool are also infected, as Diamondback helped Outlaw get up after she punched Mazarov in the fact in issue one, then hugged Domino after they survived the plane crash and then touched, as he put it, Deadpool’s “tiny turtle.” So, yeah. Deadpool has a Celestial penis now. And that’s as good a place as any to end this issue.

Gail Simone continues to write the best Deadpool, and as a side character in a book that’s making stars out of Domino, Diamondback, and Outlaw. Here’s a wild idea: if there won’t be more Domino after this mini-series (which I’m hoping is not the case, but you never know with Marvel), give Simone and David Baldeon the next Deadpool series.


Other X-Stuff

As always, read X-Men Monday over at Adventures in Poor Taste. Ripping off last week’s X-ual Healing, the column is romance-themed this week. We’ve already gotten two clickbait articles out of, so nice job guys!

Those clickbait articles:

Marvel’s Jordan White Wants an Archie-Style Love Triangle with Cyclops, Jean Grey, & Emma Frost

Just How Kinky Will Jonathan Hickman’s X-Men Be

Chris Hassan showed that he’s not an X-Romantic at heart though when he failed to ask my sexiest of questions:

But seriously, go support the column before Jordan White throws a hissy fit and quits.

Is Cable an Anti-Vaxxer?

Will Peter and Kitty get back together??

Here’s Matthew Rosenberg acknowledging criticism of the death in Uncanny X-Men #17. And that criticism explained in the articles I linked to in it, “The Violence in the System: Transmisogyny In Uncanny X-Men #17” by Nola Pfau at Women Write About Comics and “The Death In UNCANNY X-MEN #17 Is a Trans Panic Murder, & It’s Not OK” by Reed Puc at The Beat.


Next week we’ve got Age of X-Man: Apocalypse and the X-Tracts #3 and X-Force #7. Wait, really? That’s it?

Read more X-ual Healing here:

 

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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