News From the Future: Planet Honors Bat Overlords on Anniversary of Batman Day

March 30th, 2029 – World leaders gathered on Monday in New Gotham, the city formerly known as Austin, Texas, capital of the Bat-Empire, to pay tribute to the most powerful and terrifying military force the planet has ever known. Dozens of presidents, prime ministers, and monarchs heaped praise and riches upon his gloriousness winged excellence, Emperor EE-EECH-EEECH-EE-EEH II, son of Emperor EE-EECH-EEECH-EE-EEH I, along with all of the ministers of the Bat-Empire court in a lavish ceremony in honor of the 10th anniversary of Batman Day.

As all citizens of the Bat-Empire are taught from childhood, Batman Day was the day that bats first ascended to supreme life forms on the planet following an ill-conceived celebration of DC Comics hero Batman at the South by Southwest Festival in Austin, during which 1.5 million bats were released for a “flyover” of the festival. The situation quickly turned violent, with throngs of the creatures attacking festival-goers and creating a panic which eventually led to a swift and brutal war in which bats dealt a decisive defeat to humanity.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” said Dan Didio, former co-Publisher of DC Comics, now working as a loyal servant to the Emperor. “My colleagues from Marvel, Joe Quesada and C.B. Cebulski, were at the festival to host a panel begging Disney not to cancel Marvel and outsource their comics, and both were carried away into the night sky never to be seen again.”

After that, it wasn’t long before Marvel became defunct, leaving behind nothing but a warehouse full of unsold variant covers and a disoriented Dan Slott which no one was willing to take possession of. Following the incident, United States President Donald Trump, defending his good friend, Marvel Chairman Ike Perlmutter, issued an official tweet calling the bats “low-energy” and accusing them of being in league with House Democrats.

In the ensuing war, which lasted only a few weeks, U.S. military forces were thoroughly overwhelemed and Trump brought to the top of his son-in-law Jared Kushner’s cursed Manhattan office building and former home office of DC Comics, 666 Fifth Avenue, and hurled off. Thankfully, the President’s “very, very good health” led him to bounce off the pavement unharmed, and he continues to bounce through the ruins of New York City today. Kushner’s debt in the building has still not been paid off.

“In retrospect, maybe releasing 1.5 million bats over a music and arts festival wasn’t the smartest idea,” said Didio, who once engineered the Nu52 reboot. Didio was promptly shocked with a cattle prod for his insolence.

At the Batman Day celebration, festivities included a screening of The Batman starring Ben Affleck, a film made possible only because Affleck was forced at spear-point to resume his role as the Caped Crusader after the Bat-War, before attendees feasted on a dinner of delicious insects and fruit juice.

At press time, an international incident had been narrowly avoided when aides were able to free Emporer EE-EECH-EEECH-EE-EEH II, who had become accidentally entangled in the hair of Canadian President Avril Lavigne after getting overly excited during the film’s climactic finale and flying off without listening to where he was going.

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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