Millions of WWE fans around the world were shocked and disturbed Monday when they awoke from their weekly 3-hour nap to learn that Vince McMahon had suspended Becky Lynch and replaced her with Charlotte Flair in the WrestleMania main event for Ronda Rousey’s Raw Women’s Championship. The fans, who all fell asleep during what was an even more boring, slower-paced, and uneventful Raw than usual, couldn’t possibly have foreseen the stunning sequence of events that led to Flair replacing Lynch in the match.
At the beginnging of the show, when most viewers were still awake, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H revealed that Lynch’s knee injury would be fine in time for WrestleMania so she could wrestle in the match so long as she apologized for beating them up by the end of the show. Throughout the night, as WWE fans snored in their recliners with Raw providing comfortable white noise in the background, Lynch interacted with her fellow WWE Superstars, each giving her their own advice on what to do.
But by the end of the night, she did indeed apologize, satisfying H and McMahon and seemingly solidifying her spot in the title match. However, Vince McMahon then promptly entered the arena just as the show was ending, flubbed a line or two, and announced that he wouldn’t accept Lynch’s apology and that she would be suspended for 60 days, taking her out of action until five days after WrestleMania. McMahon then brought out Flair and told Rousey that he didn’t care for her attitude either, which is why Flair will be victorious at WrestleMania. (spoilers)
Needless to say, this news didn’t sit well with WWE viewers once they woke up.
“I fell asleep sometime around the seventeenth commercial break during the 6-man tag match,” said one groggy fan, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “The last thing I expected when I awoke was to find that WWE had for some reason taken Becky Lynch, the hottest star they’ve had in years, out of the main event of the biggest show of the year against the wishes of pretty much every fan.”
“But sure enough,” she continued, “when I was startled awake by the Modern Family theme song a few minutes after Raw was over, I checked Twitter and apparently that’s what happened.”
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! @VinceMcMahon has suspended @BeckyLynchWWE for 60 days and replaced "The Man" in the #Raw Women's Championship Match at #WrestleMania with @MsCharlotteWWE! pic.twitter.com/XT1rHM3EtF
— WWE (@WWE) February 12, 2019
Experts are split on what drove McMahon to make his decision.
“It’s possible that the whole point is just to get people so angry at Charlotte Flair that they boo her father, Ric Flair, during his birthday celebration planned for Raw in Atlanta in two weeks,” said Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, head of the Wrestlogy Department at the University of Phoenix. “But it’s a very real possibility that McMahon himself fell asleep while watching the show backstage and was in some kind of delusional half-sleeping state when he walked out onto the stage and changed the WrestleMania event.”
One thing for certain is that fans will think twice before falling asleep during Raw again. They’ll still fall asleep, of course; Raw is boring as @#$%. But they’ll think twice about it first.
“I’d like to say this is the last time I’ll fall asleep watching Raw because I wouldn’t want to miss such a shocking ending again,” another fan revealed. “But as soon as I hear Bobby Roode and Chad Gable’s entrance music, I’m out like 90s wrestling star with a recreational soma problem.”
“So all 90s wrestling stars,” he added.
At press time, authorities were scrambling to provide support for the Raw viewers who still hadn’t woken up, including some who were so bored by the show they had fallen into comas and required medical attention. We’ll continue monitoring this story, and are currently watching the episode on our DVR so that we can provide you with a full accouZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…