Bleeding Cool readers, We interrupt our regular programming of shameless rumourmongering and the music of Ricardo Jonstello and his orchestra to bring you this special report. Friday morning, as Bleeding Cool staff filed into cubicles in the BC Bullpen and prepared to compose our first clickbait articles of the day, we received this transmission over our personal journalism device, the LOLtron, purporting to be a message from ourselves from the future warning about something called the Junk Food Wars. We cannot vouch for the veracity of this mysterious missive, but we present it to you readers to form your own judgments and determine your own course of action.
War is hell. As I cower here in my bunker and wait for the end, I know the mutants are closing in on my location and I only have a few minutes to complete this transmission before they break through my defenses and devour my flesh. Or worse, they could make me into one of them.
But none of that matters now. My fate was sealed, along with the rest of the people on this godforsaken planet, nigh a score ago, in the year 2019. God, we didn’t know how good we had it back then. Sure, Trump was president, everyone hated each other on social media, The Outhouse shut down, and there were no new episodes of Doctor Who all year, but who could’ve imagined it would get so much worse?
It all started when that damn Gail Simone began asking junk food franchises on Twitter which comic book company they preferred. Sure, a big laugh, that’s what we all thought. But we were wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. It was the last days before the Junk Food Wars.
At first, it was just innocuous responses from the social media teams of large junk food conglomerates. Wendy’s preferred Marvel. Steak-Umms was lured into an alliance with Valiant Entertainment by the promise of variants made of sliced meat. Little Debbie, sweet Little Debbie, tried to calm tensions by claiming to like different aspects of both companies. But it was too late.
–the transmission is momentarily interrupted by the sounds of several small explosions and the hideous screams of unthinkable horrors being massacred by a laser rifle–
You bastards may kill me, but I’m taking you with me! *gunfire* Die, mutants, die!
–after a tense couple of seconds of static, the transmission continued–
Sorry about that. I’m not long for this world now. I’ll need to finish this quickly.
By the time Canada’s number one eatery, Mooseburger, had weighed in, choosing Archie Comics, the Russians were already sending cyberagents to sow chaos, every entertainment website on the internet was exploiting it all for clicks, and the fans were whipped into an utter frenzy by the entire thing. It was just a few weeks before the first nuclear bomb fell. Looking back, the people who died in the initial fighting were the ones who had it easy.
I’m sending this message back through time in the desperate hope that someone, anyone, reads it in time to do something to stop all this from happening. Dear god, I don’t even know if this is going to work. But if it doesn’t, lord help us all, humanity is doomed. Doomed!
Please! If you’re getting this message *more explosions* They’re coming through the doors now! I can’t stop them. No matter what, you must *gunfire, screaming* make sure to *the gruesome sound of tearing flesh* it’s our only ch– AAAIIIEEEEE!!!
Well, that was interesting. Like we said, we don’t know what this message means, but we thought it might be wise to consider it’s warnings and see if there’s any precautions we can take to–
Sorry folks, we’re just learning that famous comic book writer Gail Simone has asked Cinnabon to weigh in on the Marvel vs. DC debate. We bring you to that tweet now.
Dear @Cinnabon, which do you prefer, the Dc or Marvel universe?
Also, thank you for being delightful.
— GAIL SIMONE (@GailSimone) February 8, 2019
We’ll be bringing you breaking updates on this story as it develops. Stay tuned, folks!