Earlier today, DC Comics, for better or for worse, changed the landscape of comics forever by revealing Batman’s penis in Batman: Damned #1. But bold, trendsetting moves like this are often measured, excuse the pun, not by the size of the boat, but by the motion of the ocean, by which we mean the impact that Batman’s penis will have on future stories told within the comic book medium. In other words, how will Marvel Comics respond to this money shot across the bow?
While the company hasn’t released an official response or announced any plans, Bleeding Cool has found a very reliable source with some interesting information to share about what Marvel may do to regain their reputation as the frontrunner in corporate-owned intellectual property generation.
“A bunch o’ those Marvel Comics guys eat lunch at my pizza parlor every freakin’ Wednesday,” said Anthony Puttanesca, the owner of a Sbarro’s on East 59th Street, two blocks from Marvel Comics’ Madison Avenue headquarters. “A few of ’em came in here around noon today, and they all looked like somebody pissed in their biscotti this morning, you know what I’m sayin’?”
Puttanesca, who says he’s familiar with every major Marvel Comics executive and their pizza preferences, often hears about Marvel’s future plans while the company’s employees talk shop over lunch. “We like to get to know our customers and their habits so’s we can provide exemplary service,” Puttanesca explained. “For instance, C.B. Cebulski only eats pizza with chopsticks, so we always have to have those on hand. Anyway, these guys came in and they were talkin’ about what to do about the goddamn Bat-penis.”
“Marvel has led the comic book industry sales charts for decades, and we’re not going to let a little thing like Batman’s penis put an end to that,” said Marvel Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada, pounding his fists on the table for emphasis, according to Puttanesca’s unverified report. “Marvel is supposed to be the House of Ideas. Does anybody here have an idea?”
“We could—” said superstar writer Jason Aaron, interrupted by Quesada almost immediately.
“We’re not showing Wolverine’s penis, Jason,” Quesada said. “We’ve been over this before.”
“Wolverine actually has two penises,” Aaron interjected. “One for @#$%ing, and one for making love.”
“We’re not showing either of them,” Quesada replied. “Next!”
“Whatever we end up doing, we need a big name creator to work on this project. Someone who hasn’t written for Marvel in a long time. Someone like–” tried Cebulski.
“We’re not hiring Akira Yoshida either,” Quesada told Cebulski, who tried his best to look innocent. “We know that he’s you. It was all over the internet.”
“Wait, so who was that guy I had lunch with last week?” asked Sana Amanat, winking at Cebulski. Cebulski gave her a thumbs up.
“That was a delivery person,” Quesada explained. “And you didn’t have lunch with him, he brought you lunch. And it wasn’t even Japanese food. It was gyros.”
“Oh, and Japanese people can’t eat gyros?” Amanat shot back.
“Look,” said Quesada. “Everyone is talking about Batman’s penis today. Marvel needs to counter with something big enough to steer the conversation back where it belongs, to the Marvel Comics Universe.”
“What about showing Spider-Man’s penis?” wondered Dan Slott.
“It’s been done,” said Quesada, referring to the memorable scene in Spider-Man: Reign by Kaare Andrews.
“But that was an old Spider-Man’s penis,” Slott replied. “We should show the genitals of every Spider-themed character in existence, young and old, and maybe come up with some new ones just so we can show their penises.”
“I’ve always wondered what Spider-Ham’s penis looks like,” admitted Uncanny X-Men scribe Matthew Rosenberg, surprising no-one.
“Definitely more girth than length,” suggested fellow X-Men scribe Kelly Thompson.
“We can call the series Tip of Penis-Spider-World-Island-Verse,” Slott proclaimed. “I’m talking tie-ins, crossovers, one-shots, penis-themed midnight release parties…”
“I guess I just don’t think people are interested in seeing Spider-Man’s penis as much as Batman’s,” said Quesada. “Spider-Man shows his penis, and you’re just like, that’s Peter Parker, screwing the pooch again. With Batman, you know he had to plan it. Besides, it would really age the character.”
“What if Spider-Man makes a deal with Mephisto to erase the memory of his penis from everyone after the event is over?” asked Thompson.
“While I like that concept, I really think we should go with another character,” Quesada insisted.
“What about Captain America?” asked Nick Spencer.
“Tell me more,” said Quesada.
“I see it as a follow-up to Secret Empire,” Spencer said. “Just as we were addressing the relevant issues of 2016 in the most tone-deaf and ham-fisted way possible by making Captain America a Nazi, we can use a sequel to further destroy his image and comment on more current topics like the #MeToo movement. I call it: Secret Empire 2: Old Glory.”
“Is ‘Old Glory’ what Cap calls his penis?” asked Quesada.
“Of course it is,” Spencer replied. “What else would he call it?”
“Hairy Truman?” suggested Rosenberg.
“Bucky,” said Thompson.
“Ok, we’ve got our idea, people,” Quesada said. “But we’re going to need room on the schedule for our new Captain America penis comic. Do we have anything by Chelsea Cain we can cancel at the last minute?”
“Sorry boss, we already did that last week,” replied Cebulski.
“Alright, fine,” Quesada agreed. “But the next time we hire her, we’re going to let the creative team complete at least 12 issues before deciding to go in a different direction.”
“That sounds fair,” Cebulski replied.
“Now, let’s talk variant covers,” continued Quesada. “Am I alone in thinking we’ve got to go with 3D for this?”
“After that, everyone stopped talking because I brought them their pizza,” Puttanesca told us. Though Bleeding Cool is unable to verify the details Puttanesca recounted, or even whether this conversation ever actually took place, we’re not able to disprove any of it either, so we’ll have to put this one in the “yellow light” category. Look for Secret Empire 2: Old Glory in stores sometime next Summer, if this rumor pans out.