Armed With Powerful New Beard, Brock Lesnar Ruins Hell in a Cell Main Event

Armed With Powerful New Beard, Brock Lesnar Ruins Hell in a Cell Main Event

Posted by September 17, 2018 Comment

Last night’s WWE Hell in a Cell PPV was packed with crowd-pleasing moments, from Becky Lynch’s win over Charlotte Flair to become the new Smackdown Live Women’s Champion to Randy Orton sticking a screwdriver through Jeff Hardy’s ear. But when it came time for the main event, fans were treated to a non-finish that didn’t make any sense.

After a standard match inside the cell between Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman (Superman punch! Superman punch! Superman punch!), the two competitors took a nap for approximately 15 minutes while Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, and Drew McIntyre performed crowd-pleasing stunts on top of the cage.

But despite their long rest, both Reigns and Strowman were obviously still very tired when Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman unexpectedly entered the arena. After Heyman cussed out the referee, Lesnar kicked open the door of the cell, went inside, hit both men with broken pieces of a table a few times, delivered one F-5 to each, and left. The referee, seeing that naptime was not over and Strowman and Reigns clearly could not continue, ended the match without a winner. The PPV quickly went off the air before viewing audiences could hear the crowd’s “bullshit” chants.

Logically, it would seem that the ending made no sense. Mick Foley served as guest referee for the match, reminding viewers the whole time of his 1998 match in which he was thrown off the top of the cell through an announce table, got back up, climbed back up to the top of the cage, was slammed through the cage to the mat below, and then got slammed on some thumbtacks for good measure before ultimately being pinned by the Undertaker. Strowman and Reigns, on the other hand, basically spammed their usual moves before taking a very long rest.

Not only that, but both men have survived and kicked out of Lesnar’s F5s before. Strowman has survived being shoved inside the back of a garbage truck and having the trash compactor turned on. But what if there’s a reason that Brock Lesnar’s F5s suddenly became more powerful than a garbage truck’s compactor or an overturned ambulance? What if it’s all in the beard?

Truly, the star of last night’s Hell in a Cell PPV was not any in-ring performer, but rather Lesnar’s new facial hair growth. Like the biblical Sampson and his long locks, Lesnar was clearly granted superhuman strength by his beard. And with his new beard, The Beast will be even more unstoppable than before. If Lesnar manages to get a rematch for the WWE Universal Championship, Reigns will have no defense. Not even the longest nap in the middle of a match could possibly prepare him for the devastation wrought by Lesnar’s stubble.

If played out correctly, Lesnar’s super-beard could potentially be one of the greatest WWE stories ever told, ending with a hair vs. beard match between Lesnar and Reigns at WrestleMania. If WWE thought defeating Lesnar to win the Universal Championship put the big dog over, wait until they see how strong he looks when he defeats both Lesnar and his glorious beard.

(Last Updated September 17, 2018 8:33 am )

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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