X-ual Healing: Deadpool Assassin #3, When the Brains Go Caving In

Sworn to sell comics for Marvel executives who feared and hated the fact that Fox owned their movie rights, The Uncanny X-Men suffered great indignities, but with a corporate merger on the way, the X-Men can finally get back to doing what they do best: being objectively the best franchise in comics.

Each week, armed with the joy, heartbreak, and frustration of 30+ years of reading X-Men comics, we crankily read every new X-book that comes out, recap the events, provide some back-links to Marvel Unlimited, and wonder when Marvel will let Chris Claremont write something again. Seriously, how do you have the greatest writer in the history of comics on the payroll and just not use him for anything?

It’s the way X-Men comics were meant to be read! It’s the column that can only be known as…

For more about the column, check out the reboot issue here.

Variant Cover by TBA
• Deadpool’s adventure in New Orleans continues, and the locals want to test their might against the Merc with a Mouth!
• But that ain’t all – Deadpool also draws the ire of the deadliest group of killers with the word “guild” in their name – THE ASSASSINS GUILD!
• And boy, are there are a LOT of them!
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

Deadpool is facetiming with Weasel, helpfully recapping some of the events of last issue. Deadpool was paid to protect a bad guy from the Assassins Guild in New Orleans, but when Deadpool learned the guy didn’t deserve protecting, he killed him. Unfortunately, he killed a bunch of Guild assassins first, and now they’re mad at him. Also, Weasel is married and keeping his hitman service with Deadpool a secret from his new wife, which surely isn’t going to end well. Weasel tells Deadpool to get quietly out of New Orleans. Deadpool says he knows how to keep a low profile.

Deadpool hands out in full costume on the street at a Mardi Gras celebration when he’s attacked by the Harkspur Brood, some redneck assassins from way back in the Fear Itself: The Fearless super-mega-crossover event tie-in mini-series, so at least someone remembers that event. Deadpool murders them all while singing the New Orleans classic “When the Brains Go Caving In,” but they come back to life as zombies.

That’s the work of the mutant Threnody, who is hiding in an alleyway. Shooting them in the head doesn’t work, so Deadpool chops them into tiny pieces. Problem solved? Not quite. He’s attacked by Blackout next. Blackout beats Deadpool to pulp, and he orders Threnody to come feed on Deadpool’s energy…

But she betrays Blackout instead. She didn’t believe anyone could stand up the guild, but Deadpool did, and now she wants to team up. Deadpool takes that as a sexual advance, of course, but she’s not interested in that… probably. They head to the Assassins Guild headquarters and Deadpool breaks in and confronts Bella Donna. She’s not pleased with the fact that Deadpool killed a bunch of her D-list assassins, but Deadpool explains that just shows how second rate they are. He tells her to call him if she needs someone killed… as long as they deserve it. He also negotiates Threnody’s freedom, and prevents Bella Donna from drinking the wine, which Deadpool peed in. Outside, Deadpool and Threnody agree to team up for a while, and the story will be continued next issue.

The Bottom Line

Deadpool Assassin is superior to the actual Deadpool ongoing in every way. That’s not saying much, because Domino is also a better Deadpool book than the current Deadpool ongoing, and it isn’t even a Deadpool book, but we mean it as a compliment. The next time Deadpool reboots, maybe Marvel should just use this creative team.

Further Reading

Read more X-ual Healing here:

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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