Police Have No Suspects in Theft of Iron Man Armor, But We Have Some Ideas

Posted by May 9, 2018 Comment

Someone has stolen Tony Stark’s armor (again)! A report from THR reveals that LAPD are investigating the theft of an Iron Man suit from the Marvel Studios movies worth somewhere in the “mid-six figures,” and police have no idea who could have done it. The crime was reported on Tuesday, leaving plenty of time over the past 24 hours for police to put together a reasonable list of suspects, but they seem stumped. Thankfully, the experts here at Bleeding Cool have some ideas.

This isn’t the first time someone has stolen Iron Man’s armor, and past experience indicates the thief is probably up to no good. If we were the cops, the first person we’d hall in for questioning is Weasel Willis, a petty criminal who stole Iron Man’s armor once before, way back in Tales of Suspense #65.

After a few days of training, Willis believed he was able to use Iron Man’s armor as well as Iron Man himself, and he put that skill to use in a string of robberies. That forced Iron Man to don his original costume and battle Willis, only overcoming him when the battery in Willis’s suit ran out. Hopefully, Willis doesn’t have the suit again, as he’s likely learned from his mistake and battery-recharging power banks are cheaply and readily available at any electronics store or on Amazon.com.

If it wasn’t Willis, our next guess would be Clarence Ward, who stole Iron Man’s suit during the Disassembled arc that kicked off in Iron Man Vol. 3 #86, using it to murder the Stark Industries board of directors and frame Tony Stark. Ward was annoyed at Stark because Stark wouldn’t stop making out with his then-girlfriend, Rumiko Fujikawa, in order to listen to his very smart business ideas, and also because Stark once foiled his plans to sell Ward Industries weapons to Al Quaeda.

Ward later used the suit to kill Fujikawa as well, making him guilty not only of murder but also fridging. Ward met his doom in Iron Man #89, but at Marvel, dead characters come back to life all the time, so that proves absolutely nothing.

Finally, if neither of the two men above are guilty, we’d be inclined to point the finger at Norman Osborn. Osborn took over Stark’s armor after the ending of the Secret Invasion super-mega-crossover event, using it to usher in a new status quo called Dark Reign and form his own team of Avengers, painting the armor in the American Flag and calling himself the Iron Patriot.

It would be nice to believe that the country has learned its lesson after putting the villainous Green Goblin in charge of the country’s security forces, but we did elect Donald Trump as president, so it wouldn’t be surprising if Osborn has gained control of the armor again.

Clearly, the police would know all of this if they subscribed to Marvel Unlimited, a massive database of past criminal activity, for the low price of $9.99 a month. Whatever the case, we hope the police are able to bring the thief to justice soon and return the armor to its rightful owner, because he’s really going to need it in Avengers 4.

(Last Updated May 9, 2018 11:17 am )

About Jude Terror

Former siterunner of TheOuthousers.com during its golden age, scourge of Rich Johnstons, and hardcore X-men aficionado Jude Terror now delivers his post-modern take on entertainment "journalism" EXCLUSIVELY to the readers of Bleeding Cool, whether they like it or not.*

* Usually, they don't.

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