X-Men: Bland Design X-Travaganza – Logan Learns You Can’t Fight City Hall in Old Man Logan #38

Welcome, dear readers, to X-Men: Bland Design, the weekly multi-part recap column that strives to answer the question: “What if Ed Piskor had no art skills, a juvenile sense of humor, and less classic material to work with?”

It’s been a rough decade or so for X-Men fans. As part of Ike Perlmutter‘s feud with Fox over the Fantastic Four movie rights, Marvel’s greatest franchise has suffered many an indignity. Cyclops turned into a villain by writers and editors with a Wolverine fetish. The worst crossover of all time, Avengers vs. X-Men. A serious attempt to replace mutants with the Inhumans, thankfully killed by the god-awful Inhumans TV show. Greg Land. But that’s all over now (except for Land). With a Marvel/Fox deal on the horizon, the Fantastic Four can return, but more importantly, Marvel can give a crap about the X-Men again!

Each week, we aim to recap what happened in all of the X-books, make a few jokes, and struggle to survive the experience as we reckon our love for our favorite characters with what can often feel like a “quantity-over-quality” approach to comic booking.

Last week, we didn’t have time to recap the X-books due to all the C2E2 news we had to cover, which means we’ve got to catch up. To do that, we’ve got to read and recap 13 — yes, 13 — X-books in one weekend. Is that even possible? We’re about to find out!

Old Man Logan #38

LOGAN had dirt on the newest NYC mayor, the KINGPIN….but now he’s lost it!
Logan is hurting and bleeding and now he’s got to chase Bullseye across Manhattan.
What famous landmarks will he bloody up in his attempt to take the Kingpin down? And do you think any tourists will want to take selfies with him?
32 PGS./Parental Advisory …$3.99

As the issue starts, Mayor Kingpin is watching television news, where he learns about Bullseye’s attempt to kill Logan in an organic supermarket, which is not the kind of attention Kingpin wants. In Midtown, Bullseye has cornered Sarah Dewey, the author of Kingpin’s biography, and obtained the USB drive that may contain information damaging to Kingpin. Sarah tries to persuade Bullseye to give her the drive so she can ruin Kingpin, tempting him with the resulting power vacuum.

Outside the supermarket, Logan is trying to quietly slip away, and he’s pretty beat up from the fight. His healin’ factor ain’t what it used to be, bub. Unfortunately, Wolverine is so overexposed that even Marvel civilians recognize him and call him out. He makes a break for it, but he’s chased by a mob of Kingpin-supporting, anti-superhero, anti-Canadian bigots. He manages to lose them.

Meanwhile, Bullseye decides that being in charge would be too much trouble, so he’s going to take the USB drive and give it to Kingpin. Sarah decides to blow him away, but she’s a terrible shot even though he’s like five feet away from her.

He wounds her and takes off with the drive. Shortly thereafter, Logan catches up with Sarah and learns she lost the drive. Logan leaves Sarah to wait for an ambulance and goes after Bullseye. He catches him while Bullseye is talking to Kingpin on the phone.

That’s why you should always use a hands-free device while driving. Logan wins and gets his hands on the drive, but written-for-the-trade storytelling demands this get wrapped up soon, so Logan decides to take the drive to Kingpin himself and find out what’s on it. Kingpin agrees to meet with him, and even to show him what’s on the drive. It’s pictures of Kingpin and his wife Vanessa, whom he misses. She’s dead, we guess. Kingpin wasn’t afraid of people finding out what was on the list. He just has really poor impulse control.

Logan says that Kingpin has to pay for what he’s done (if it hasn’t happened by now, it’s not going to happen, dude). Kingpin says he’ll destroy Sarah’s life if Logan doesn’t leave him alone. Logan has no choice, so he agrees, but he makes a mental note to kill Kingpin sometime in the future. Logan visits Sarah in the hospital and tells her there was nothing on the drive.

It seems like this story is over, but according to the cliffhanger, it will be continued next issue. Old Man Logan is a solid Wolverine comic, but it’s doomed for replacement by the returning original Wolverine, who is far less interesting. Ah well. Enjoy it while it lasts!

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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