Welcome to X-Men: Bland Design, the weekly column that answers the question: “What if Ed Piskor had no art skills, a juvenile sense of humor, and less classic material to work with?” This week there are five X-Books on the stands, which will cost you a total of $20 to buy and, thanks to modern decompression techniques, take roughly ten minutes to read (if you read slowly). If that seems like a waste of time and money, you can keep your money by reading our recaps for free. We make no promises about the use of your time, however.
On stands this week are Weapon X #14, X-Men Blue #21, Despicable Deadpool #294, Cable #154, and Old Man Logan #35.
Weapon X #14
Writer: Greg Pak
Artist: Yildiray Cinar
Colorist: Frank D’Armata
Letterer: Joe Caramagna
Cover: David Nakayama
Long story short: Old Man Logan and the rest of his team of quasi-Wolverines, Sabertooth, Domino, Warpath, and Lady Deathstrike, have traveled to the island nation of Santo Marco and found themselves embroiled in a battle with a bunch of quasi-Nukes, including the original Nuke, who was originally on the Wolverines’ side, but then switched sides to join the other Nukes in stopping the Wolverines from stealing their drugs. The previous issue ended with the Nukes closing in on the Wolverines, and the Wolverines considering eating the Nuke pills to survive.
The issue opens with Nukes trying to get into the building where the Wolverines are holed up, and Warpath holding the door shut. Domino points out that he should be healing from his wounds from the previous issue, but Warpath thinks Nuke’s knife screwed with his healing factor. Warpath’s local allies, led by Acero, attempt to come to the rescue. Sabertooth encourages the Wolverines to eat those red Nuke pills, so they can be even better at what they do.
Lady Deathstrike is on board. Surprisingly, Logan is on board too. He just warns everyone to take some white pills too, as it makes it easier to come down from the red ones. Domino and Warpath agree, and Domino pops one of the pills in Warpath’s mouth. It looks fun. We’d try it.
Acero is almost there to help, but Warpath tells him there’s no need. The Wolverines are kicking ass, all hopped up on Nuke. A battle ensues. Nukes are shooting. Wolverines are slashing. Domino is… making out with Warpath? Well, who are we to kink-shame. If getting high and slaughtering Nukes turns you on, then you gotta do what feels right to you.
Sabertooth is a @#$%blocker though, and he tells them to concentrate on the battle, so Domino and Warpath start shooting Nukes while continuing to make out. Acero and his fighters arrive and are no match for anything going on here. Sabertooth tells them to save themselves by taking some Nuke. Acero says they won’t do drugs, though, and leads his fighters into battle sober.
Meanwhile, Nuke fires a rocket launcher at Sabertooth, so Sabertooth catches the rocket and throws it back at Nuke. Sabertooth and Nuke are almost bonding over how much they like getting high and fighting, when Nuke notices Logan is about to blow up all the remaining drugs. Nuke charges, and Warpath tells Logan to get clear. But Logan says there’s no time. He blows up the drugs, and himself. Nuke grabs Logan and wants to kill him, but Warpath sprinkles some of the white nuke pills into an open wound, forcing him to come down. Warpath asks Nuke who he was originally sent to the island to kill.
Later, the Wolverines are marching with Acero through Santo Marco City Center. Acero and his people are taking over, and they march to a government building and demand that the national guard hand over the local dictator, President Duarte. Before anyone can do anything though, Duarte’s body is tossed out of a window. Nuke killed him. Sabertooth wants to fight again, but Nuke says he’s not part of the mission. Nuke pops a white pill and jumps off a cliff into the ocean.
Later that night, at a party, Warpath reveals that he let Nuke go on purpose because he knew he would kill Duarte. Nuke killing the president made the news, and so the Wolverines don’t need to take the blame for causing an international incident. Domino asks Warpath if he still wants to make out now that they’re not amped up on Nuke anymore, and he does.
For our cliffhanger, Sabertooth and Lady Deathstrike have smuggled some of the Nuke pills and they plan to get high later.
This is the most Wolverine comic to ever Wolverine. What that means for you is subjective, but you can’t say this comic didn’t deliver on its premise.