Goldberg to be Inducted to WWE Hall of Fame, Presumably for Wrestling, not Pooping

Posted by January 15, 2018 Comment

Bill Goldberg will headline the 2018 class of WWE’s Hall of Fame, the company announced today through ESPN as part of their “pretend real news outlets broke a story we actually told them about in order to make WWE seem more important” initiative.

Beginning his career in WCW, Goldberg was one of the biggest stars of the Monday Night Wars era of the late 1990s, though his star faded due to WCW’s notoriously poor booking after his undefeated streak ended in a defeat to Kevin Nash via taser, who then lost the title to Hollywood Hulk Hogan in the notorious “Fingerpoke of Doom.” Goldberg’s career was never the same, and by the time he and Brock Lesnar faced off in their “final” WWE match at WrestleMania XX in 2004, the crowd booed both men.

But in 2016, after Goldberg was featured in a WWE video game, he made a comeback to WWE, which was largely well received and expanded to a championship run and another WrestleMania bout against Brock Lesnar in 2017, this time to the crowd’s delight. It was during this run that Goldberg revealed his extraordinary pooping abilities.

According to Goldberg, while keeping in ring shape, the wrestler pooped roughly 20 times per day.

“I am nothing but a machine now,” Goldberg explained. “I get up in the morning. I eat. I train. I eat. I go to the bathroom about 20 times intermittently throughout the day because I’m shoving 15 to 20,000 calories in my body and it doesn’t know what’s going on. At 50 years old, it has no idea.”

Assuming eight hours of sleep, Bleeding Cool calculated that Goldberg must poop on average once every 48 minutes, which could possibly explain why his matches needed to be so short. Pooping that many times per day is a superhuman feat, and Goldberg would be worthy of Hall-of-Fame inclusion for that alone. However, WWE will likely focus on Goldberg’s deserving pro wrestling achievements during his induction instead.

Goldberg joins previous inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame, including “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Ric Flair, and President Donald Trump.

(Last Updated January 15, 2018 2:59 pm )

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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