No Evidence That Turtle Found With $53 Million of Cocaine Was TMNT’s Michaelangelo

Posted by December 22, 2017 Comment

A turtle captured by the United States Coast Guard was revealed this morning to be carrying more than $50 million worth of cocaine, according to a tweet posted by the organization with an accompanying press release:

The coast guard ship Coast Guard Cutter Thetis found the turtle during an anti-drug patrol in the Pacific ocean, according to the press release.

While on patrol Nov. 19, the cutter launched its Over the Horizon small boat to investigate a debris field. The boat crew discovered a large sea turtle entangled in multiple bales of suspected contraband.

The contraband was confirmed to be cocaine, and the detainment of the cocaine-smuggling turtle naturally sparked fears in the cartoon community that the turtle in question was Michaelangelo, a member of the well known crimefighting foursome Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Michaelangelo, as the TMNT theme song declares, “is a party dude.” If Michaelangelo’s wild antics had finally caught up with him, it could be disastrous for the team’s favorability ratings.

However, a closer investigation into the details reveals that, despite a well-cultivated reputation for hard partying, Michaelangelo has never been shown with credible evidence to engage in activities more dangerous than Skateboarding, playing video games, and overeating, particularly with pizza. Furthermore, Michaelangelo is known for wearing an orange bandanna, and in photos released of the incident, the turtle is clearly not wearing any bandanna. Furthermore, the turtle appears to be wielding some kind of pontoon weapon, rather than Michaelangelo’s trademark nunchaku.

However, the turtle was apparently released on its own recognizance without confirming its identity, according to the report:

Coast Guard Ens. Mark Krebs, the pursuit mission commander, said that as his team arrived on scene with the jettison field, they immediately noticed the entangled sea turtle. They saw significant chaffing from the lines on his neck and flippers. They briefed the commanding officer and went to work, carefully cutting the lines wrapped around the sea turtle and then eventually freeing him.

So while there’s no evidence that the turtle was Michaelangelo, we will never really know for sure.

(Last Updated December 22, 2017 2:27 pm )

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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