A nuclear bomb test conducted by the North Korean government this weekend was actually a private screening of Marvel’s Inhumans for North Korean leader Kim Jong Un.
The trouble began Sunday morning when North Korea conducted a nuclear test that sent tremors throughout the region. North Korean officials claimed to have successfully tested an advanced hydrogen bomb, moving the country one step closer to proving the capability to attach a powerful nuclear bomb to a missile and strike the mainland United States with it. However, according to reports from multiple international intelligence agencies, the tremors weren’t the result of a nuclear test at all, but rather from a screening of Marvel’s Inhumans in the Supreme Leader’s private IMAX theater.
“A thermonuclear hydrogen bomb is about 1000 times more powerful than the atomic bombs dropped on Japan during World War 2,” said world-renowned nuclear physicist and real person, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. “But some TV critics theorize Marvel’s Inhumans could be a mega-bomb a thousand times a thousand times more powerful than that.”
Puffinbottoms explained that military analysts were taking North Korea too literally when they tried to interpret their threats to attach a nuclear warhead to an intercontinental ballistic missile. “Metaphorically speaking,” the professor warned, “a television show as terrible as Marvel’s Inhumans would cause far more damage to both America’s economy and its morale, and its reach could extend to anyone who accidentally tunes their TV to ABC during the show’s premiere on September 29th.”
Originally conceived as a movie to be produced by Marvel Studios, the movie wing of Marvel Entertainment, Inhumans was scuttled as a film when Kevin Feige wrested control of Marvel Studios from Marvel Chairman Ike Perlmutter. Perlmutter, a close advisor to President Donald Trump, has long viewed The Inhumans as a key weapon in his war against rival movie studio Fox over the cinematic rights to the Fantastic Four and the X-Men, and The Inhumans was soon developed as an ABC television show with its first two episodes premiering in IMAX theaters this weekend. But without the brains behind the Marvel Cinematic Universe holding the project together, and driven solely by Perlmutter’s obsession with revenge, the project has turned into what some critics have described as a train wreck.
“We’ll see,” said President Trump when asked if he might launch a military attack on North Korea in retaliation for how bad Marvel’s Inhumans is. The president was set to meet with his national security advisors today to discuss a response to the show and how the damage from the show might be mitigated. He later tweeted:
The United States is considering, in addition to other options, stopping all trade with any country doing business with North Korea.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 3, 2017
Another option being strongly considered by the administration is pretending that the negative response to the movie is a result of the show not being faithful enough to the comics, rather than the “crummy costumes, wooden dialogue and all-around dull delivery of the material” described in IGN’s review of the first two episodes.
Muddling U.S. efforts to control the situation, Russian President Vladimir Putin urged world leaders to remain calm, insisting that only a diplomatic solution could stop the growing international crisis from spiraling totally out of control. Putin also suggested that viewers “give Inhumans a chance” before judging based on “hit pieces from the biased American media.”
At press time, State Department officials advised Americans to continue about their regular business, which, let’s face it, probably didn’t include seeing Inhumans in theaters anyway, but warned that anyone coming into contact with the show should close their eyes, insert their fingers in their ears, and say “na na na na na na” for roughly 90 minutes to ensure as limited exposure as possible. Stay tuned to Bleeding Cool for updates on this developing situation.