Marvel To Plant 250,000 Trees, Won’t Make Up For Ones That Died To Print Inhumans Vs. X-Men


In what can only be viewed as an attempt to win back karma points for all the trees that died so that Marvel could produce awful super-mega-crossover event comics such as Inhumans vs. X-Men, Civil War 2, and Civil War 1, the company released a press release via media subsidiaries today vowing to plant up to 250,000 trees as part of a conservationist effort/promotional tie-in for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, in theaters on May 5.

In a series of words that we’ve read several times but still don’t fully understand, Marvel explained how things will work:

Marvel gave YouTube superstar Dominic “D-trix” Sandoval an early look at Groot and his new dancing toy line, and challenged him to create a Groot inspired dance move to surprise and delight unsuspecting fans – the #GrootDancebomb was born. D-trix choreographed the ultimate “Groot move” to pull off the prank, before bringing it to the unsuspecting streets of Los Angeles. Watch the results here:

Marvel is now calling for fans to support the #GrootDancebomb Earth Month challenge by busting out a signature Groot move at an expected moment, using a dancing Groot toy to surprise someone, or even just liking or sharing Marvel’s video starring D-trix.

From April 18-May 5, like or share this video on YouTube or Facebook or post your own using #GrootDancebomb on Instagram or Twitter, and help plant up to a quarter of a million trees! Marvel and the Disney Conservation Fund will direct a $1 donation to The Nature Conservancy to plant 1 tree for each action, for a minimum donation of $50,000 and a maximum of $250,000.

For more incomprehensible nonsense, we spoke with esteemed intellectual and head of the Comic Book Environmental Department at the prestigious Trump University, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms.

“Marvel’s plan to plant 250,000 trees could pay off a lot of environmental debt,” Puffinbottoms explained, pointing to several charts and diagrams he had conveniently prepared on a nearby whiteboard. “In 2016, the comic book industry sold roughly 100 million comic books. At an average of 25 pages per comic, that’s 250 million pages per year. But a single tree can yield 8,300 comic book pages, which means that 250,000 trees grown to maturity and then cut down to print the sequel to a moderately successful super-mega-crossover event no one was asking for would fuel the entire industry for eight years, or 2.1 billion pages.”

Professor Puffinbottoms told theorized that Marvel was looking not just to reduce its own bad karma for years of senseless tree murder, but in fact to pay things forward for the industry as a whole. “It isn’t just Avengers vs. X-Men that would be erased from the balance sheets, but the entire DC Nu52 relaunch,” Puffinbottoms revealed. “Everyone in comics would have a clean slate! Even Chuck Austen!”

However, the professor was careful to clarify that the good karma only applied to the damage done to trees, and not the psyches of comic book fans forced to suffer through bad comics over the past decade. “Also, this doesn’t erase that ultra-rare 1:100,000 Hawkeye #1 variant that was printed on the skin of an Ivory Billed Woodpecker, a critically endangered species of bird,” Puffinbottoms added. “Someone is going to hell for that one.”

At press time, Professor Puffinbottoms was standing awkwardly in front of his framed ultra-rare Hawkeye #1 variant, hoping we didn’t notice he was the one who bought it. Do a dumb dance move and post it on YouTube to help save the Earth, yo!

About Jude Terror

A prophecy says that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero will come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events.

Scourge of Rich Johnston, maker of puns, and seeker of the Snyder Cut, Jude Terror, sadly, is not the hero comics needs right now... but he's the one the industry deserves.

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