As if we needed any more reminders that Western civilization has entered a downward spiral of reality TV show presidents, looming nuclear war, and never-ending Zack Snyder films, a new report from sandwich-themed Hollywood gossip blog The Wrap has just put the icing on the proverbial doomsday cake. According to the report, the upcoming reboot of Jumanji, the film about a cursed board game that contains a magical jungle world, will not feature the cursed board game. Instead, it will be about another piece of mystic, antiquated technology: a 1990s video game console. Why star Karen Gillan didn’t tell Rich Johnston any of this while drinking in local pubs and talking about her Avatar comic book, Uber, we have no idea, but the truth is out there now for everyone to lament. Apparently, a group of teenagers are in detention in school, but instead of bonding over broken home lives, shared insecurities, and Judd Nelson’s sweet ass fingerless gloves, they find the old Jumanji console and are transported into the game.
Also of note is the news that the Jumanji reboot will bring you to your sha na na na na na na na knees, as it’s going to be called Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle stars Gillan, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black. The movie hits theaters on December 22, 2017. That leaves us less than seven months to stop it and reverse the destruction before it’s too late. But it’s probably already too late. Let’s just play some video games instead.
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