Wolverhampton Train Station Renamed Wolverine, Valiant’s Plans For C2E2, And The Beano’s Gnasher Goes Missing: Tuesday Runaround

Posted by April 1, 2014 Comment

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The train station at Wolverhampton, in England, has been renamed courtesy of 20th Century Fox, to Wolverine station. These are genuine photographs.

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In fact, there seem to be all sorts of strange stories going around today. Valiant Comics has announced their plans for the upcoming C2E2 comic convention in Chicago. Following DC Comics’ plans to just hang out in the foyers of popular comic conventions, Valiant tell us,

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This April, get ready to see Quantum and Woody‘s world famous sidekick, Vincent Van Goat, like you’ve never seen him before – 45 feet tall and straddling the entrance to Chicago’s McCormick Place!Valiant is proud to announce that it has partnered with ReedPOP to attempt a new world record on site at C2E2 2014 – Chicago’s premier comics and pop culture convention – to claim the title of “world’s largest freestanding goat” just as the convention opens it doors to the public on April 25th, 2014.”The Goat has been the MVP of Quantum and Woody – and maybe all of Valiant – when it comes to piquing interest and curiosity in new readers,” said James Asmus, writer of Quantum and Woody. “I have no doubt that having to enter the convention by walking beneath the realistic under-side of a giant goat will have lots of new comic fans asking ‘What the [expletive of choice] is this about?‘”

“For whatever reason, the fans just can’t get enough Goat. We finally gave in and gave them the Goat #0 origin issue, but that just made it worse. We’ve got dozens of people showing up to our offices each day. They’re getting tattoos. They’re legally changing their names to ‘Vincent Van Goat,” said Valiant Publisher Fred Pierce.

“We’re mystified, but we figured, hey, bigger is better right? Hence, the world’s largest freestanding goat was born. Or, rather, will be built. At minimal risk to the surrounding populace. We hope,” added Valiant CEO and Chief Creative Officer Dinesh Shamdasani.

“Valiant is doing what?” said Jennifer Martin, Sales Executive for ReedPOP. “Not only do they not have permission to build whatever this thing is, it sounds incredibly reckless. This is ill-advised on multiple levels, not to mention unsafe.”

Under the strict observation of Valiant interns, the volunteer G.O.A.T. squad (the Giant Organizational Assembly Team) will begin work today on the 45 foot tall by 25 foot wide effigy dedicated to the greatness of the world’s worst superhero team and their square-pupiled partner-in-crime. A standard size representation of Quantum and Woody, with accompanying banana, will also be provided for scale.

But Quantum and Woody fans rejoice – Valiant isn’t stopping there! Not only will the sculpture qualify as the largest goat ever erected in the history of human civilization, but it will also double as a fully functioning piñata to be stuffed with comics, candy, fireworks…and even smaller goat piñatas.

To be constructed with materials including discount-quality chicken wire, pipefittings, and kerosene-soaked human hair, Valiant’s project managers expect the project to be completed in just under three weeks with a minimal loss of human life. The record-setting goat will be displayed for all three days of C2E2, culminating with Sunday’s “ValiantFirst Piñata Party,” during which attending fans will be equipped with official Goat bludgeoning rods. The first fan to successfully penetrate the artificial beast’s incredibly flammable hide and unearth the goodies inside will be offered up in tribute to the gods of retailer ordering practices.

Parking is expected to be difficult. In the event of lightning, maintain a minimum safe distance and shelter in place.

Reading the complete text of this announcement qualifies as a legal waiver for any and all immediate and/or longterm bodily harm and/or property damage that may result from contact with said sculpture. Enjoy the show!

In other news, DC Thompson have announced that Dennis The Menace’s dog Gnasher, of the weekly Beano comic book, has gone missing. As has a certain bone…

The dinosaur thigh bone went missing from the Museum during a visit by Dennis the Menace and his family yesterday.  The museum’s CCTV footage shows an unusually bristly animal removing the bone from its stand before making off with it.  Photo-fits of the animal are being circulated and it seems likely that Dennis’s dog, Gnasher, is the culprit.

The bone, housed at the National Museum of Scotland for the last 75 years, is believed to have been a significant scientific find.  Research done on the bone prior to its disappearance, shows that the bone contains the DNA of the Abyssinian Wire Haired Tripe Hound.

We’re asked to keep an eye out for his photobombing appearances through the day on Twitter @beanocomic. Here is footage of the grevious theft.

Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 1 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 1 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 6 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 5 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 4 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 3 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014Gnasher's Gone Missing - image 2 (c) D.C. Thomson & Co. Ltd. 2014 (1)

While KC Fagan tells us of a new League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen spinoff comic book on the way.

After a millennium of work, scientists of the far future disinfect, revive and divide the “Halman” entity into the originally separate mediums of Dr. Dave Bowman and HAL 9000. After reviewing and compiling an expanded human history, in addition to other deep secrets learned while within the monolithic computational matrices, HAL discovers evidence of the non-corporeal alien intelligence indirectly using a mysterious League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (and Gentlepersons) from throughout Earth’s history prior to his own creation. After careful computation, HAL deduces that the League is in no way aware that they are helping speed along the fall of humanity across the fabric of spacetime. Now free from Bowman’s influence, and endowed with knowledge spanning the multiverse, the hyperlogical computer finds itself with the unique opportunity via forty-first century technology to pluck from the Infinite any number of efficient, homicidal machines. A plan is formed to trick the robots into aiding HAL on a desperate quest to undermine the plot to fool the League into setting the stage for the eventual conquest all of reality.

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 HAL selects two nanobot masses: One, a “mimetic polyalloy” infiltration/assassination unit, and the other an algorithmic-psychopathic artificial life form of self-replicating silicon nanites. Together with a supremely duplicitous Hyperdyne Systems 120-A/2 android, and a strangely charasmatic Soong-type android, HAL must keep their respective suspicions in check to execute his plan. Aside from the havoc they could unleash if HAL’s true intentions are uncovered, the entirety of existence could become irreversibly imbalanced if they are not returned to their own timelines soon. However, such scenarios have all deemed to be within tolerances, and cannot distract from HAL’s ultimate mission. THE LEAGUE MUST DIE.

I’ll pre-order my copy straight away. Just as soon as I’ve… hang on… is that a dog with a bone I can see? Sorry guys, I’ve got a reward to claim…

(Last Updated April 1, 2014 4:10 am )