By Erik Grove
Welcome to our new satire column spear-headed by Bleeding Cool writer Erik Grove uncovering the truthiness in comics news. If these headlines are a little close to home, it’s the times we’re living in where life is much stranger than fiction. Enjoy:
Fox Announces Two Versions of The Fantastic Four To Be Released to Theaters in 2015
Directly addressing Internet criticism to their announced casting for the first time, Fox has decided to release two unique cuts of their new mega franchise The Fantastic Four next year.
“We know that there are a lot of people that are really uncomfortable with changing established racial dynamics from over 50 years ago,” The Fantastic Four director, Josh Trank told the press. “We want to respect the fans. And racists.”
The alternate cut of The Fantastic Four will include several changes but most notably Michael B. Jordan’s the Human Torch will be digitally transformed into a blond guy and his lines will be adjusted to remove all references to basketball and to be generally “whitened up a little bit.” This second cut is also expected to be 40 minutes shorter as it will no longer be necessary to explain in believable detail why adopted siblings might still consider each other family.
Initial reaction from fans online was immediately negative. “STILL GUNNA SUCK BALLS BECAUSE FOX DOESNT GET COMICSS!” MarvelBoy2014 commented in an online forum.
Racists were markedly more appreciative and optimistic. “I just think it’s really great that a movie studio is recognizing that there a lot of different people that want to watch movies and we just want to see ourselves represented up there,” an anonymous racist told this reporter.
In Escalating War Over Incentive Variant Covers, DC Announce Newest Promotion
In Previews for comic books releasing in May, DC Comics unveiled their newest line of Batman incentive variant covers. Every book in the New 52 superhero line will feature an alternate cover featuring Batman. More specifically, every variant cover will have the same image, title and credits and issue number on the cover as the current issue of Batman.
“We’re really responding to what fans want,” DC Editor-in-Chief Bob Harass explained. “Fans like variant covers and fans like Batman. Specifically, Batman by Scott Snyder and Greg Capullo is our one of our highest selling comics and fans really like it. We’re listening to the fans!”
When asked if he thought that putting the cover from another more popular comic book on lower selling comics not featuring Batman could be confusing, Harass replied, “most of our books have Batman in them anyway. Plus, Batman is really popular with fans and we’re listening to the fans!”
Not to be outdone, Marvel Comics also announced a new incentive variant cover promotion. 1 out of 10 Marvel Comics covers will be printed with a chemically refined cocaine-infused ink. Requests for more information on these covers went unanswered as Marvel staffers licked the newest issue of Avengers and talked about how close, like emotionally close, they all felt to Spider-Man right now.
Retailers responded to these new announcements with a mix of apathy and acceptance. “We pretty much knew this was coming after the 3D cover thing,” one retailer said with a shrug. “Still better than the 90s.”
Ryan Gosling One of the Last Well-Known White Male Actors Not Part of a Super-Hero Franchise
Upon learning that Bradley Cooper was providing the voice of Rocket Raccoon in the upcoming Marvel Studios release Guardians of the Galaxy, Ryan Gosling audibly sighed and shook his head.
“So that leaves, what? Just me, Kevin James and Brad Pitt now?” Gosling is reported to have said. “I was going to say Sam Rockwell, but no, they got him too. They even got Anthony Hopkins. Does nobody else see a problem with this?”
When reached for comment, hundreds of very talented actors that aren’t white males cursed audibly and declined to be quoted.
Marvel Studios replied by promptly casting Gosling as Dr. Strange.
Responding to Success of Ms. Marvel, Marvel Comics Announces All-New Marvel Boy Series
“Diversity and inclusion are very important to Marvel Comics,” Axel Alonso, the Editor-in-Chief of Marvel told reporters today after the announcement of a new Marvel Boy series. “We want our readers to be represented in the pages of the comics they collect and we’re excited to take another step in that direction with Marvel Boy.”
Marvel Boy will focus on new hero Andy Armstrong, a 39 year-old overweight straight white male that has been meticulously following and critiquing the exploits of the heroes in the Marvel Universe for the last 30 years. While Alonso is keeping the exact origins of Andy’s strange new powers under wraps, he did reveal that his abilities will include “a variation on Captain Marvel’s (the original, not the new pandering to women version) cosmic awareness and the ability to foment anger and discord within otherwise reasonable people.”
In addition to fighting such new villainous threats as Retcon Man and Type II Diabetes, Alonso teased that Marvel Boy will also be a hero in his civilian identity. “Even out of costume, Marvel Boy is going to remain anonymous and keep an eye out for heroes that might not be acting quite right,” Alonso explained. “He’ll be like the Watcher but with a lot more personal insults and smugness.”
If you have ideas for contributions to our column based on the excesses of our beloved industry, send them along to firstname.lastname@example.org