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Keep Your Pants On: Torn Between Two Worlds by Elliott Serrano and Kate Kotler

Published Tue, 02 Aug 2011 08:00:59 -0500

Keep Your Pants On: Torn Between Two Worlds

Elliott Serrano and Kate Kotler write for Bleeding Cool;

This week we answer a tough letter we received and do our best to advise a fellow geek who is torn between two worlds and considering a divorce…

Dear KYPO,

I love to draw and I have a really good paying job as an Ad Illustrator/3D Modeling/Digital Airbrushing. I'm really good at what I do, and I have the bonus of being really good friends with my boss and workmates.

I met the girl of my dreams, and despite she being not interested in my geek side, at least she respected that. We clicked on so many levels, so we married (it's been three years already) and I moved to her hometown. Since then I only sleep less than five hours a day and spend more than that just commuting to work and back. Hey, it was my choice, my pain to carry, no complaints.

For a while.

Problem being, she became really selfish when she got pregnant and it became worse after our daughter was born.

She doesn't think it is important for me to have the time to cultivate the hobbies I like, but I have to accompany her to every party she wants to go to and her family gatherings. I hardly ever get to see my own family and I get so bored at her family functions: If I have to see one more family photo montage set to a songs by ABBA and Roxette (the same two songs, in a loop, all night long) I'm afraid I'll punch someone or slit my wrists.

I'm developing really serious health issues because of my lack of exercise during the day and the lack of sleep, the bus I have to commute two and a half hours on for work is really uncomfortable, I arrive home exhausted every. I'm thinking about letting go and leave it all behind, but I'm really afraid wolves of boredom (my wife and her family) will end up crushing her body and spirit like they did mine. I'm tired of not having time to read comics or books (that I really need to study for work) and never being able to go see a movie. I haven't set foot in a movie theater in two years. I need time to practicing drawing and painting because not doing that is starting to take its toll on my job performance. Just finishing one of my pitches to Image Comics would feel like a major victory.

My daughter's smile is my joy of the day. The sound of her laughter could melt the heart of the Devil himself. I want to leave – but, I don't want to leave my daughter. She cannot fend for herself and I don't want her to learn "The Stare of Disapproval Toward Geekdom and Fine Arts" her mother and her mother's family use so well to make me feel small.

My question is: Do I think only of myself and "fly away toward the dreams I left very far behind?" Or do I stay and leave my with daughter the lesson that it's okay to give up on your own life and health to make someone else happy?

Sometimes I think I'm a character in a comic book written by Chris Claremont.

Torn Between Two Worlds

Kate says:

Wow, I don't even know where to start Torn, this is such an intense and serious situation you've asked us to advise you on. I have to ask: Does your wife know you're feeling this way? I think that the first step I'd advise is trying to talk to her in a non-confrontational manner and communicate clearly how unhappy you are. Perhaps she doesn't know. Or, perhaps she does know and doesn't know how to help you. Good relationships are essentially founded on open and honest communication – and, if neither of you is communicating with the other, then perhaps you both need to backtrack and work on that to see if it is part of the solution to fixing what is clearly broken in your marriage. I would strongly advise marriage counseling – as if there is a hope of salvaging your relationship, you're most likely going to need professional help in doing so.

In regard to the "should I stay or should I go" question: Staying in a bad, dysfunctional marriage "for the kids" is as damaging a choice as divorce is. If you do end up getting divorced, this doesn't mean that your relationship with your daughter stops. It would be a powerful message to her to have her watch you fix what is broken in your life, even if that means divorce, as you'd be teaching her that it is important to take care of yourself and your own happiness, even if it involves making a decision which is hard and sad. Plus, having a happy, contented, fulfilled parent makes a much more positive impact on a child than having a stressed out, unhappy parent who isn't present a large portion of the time. If you do decide to leave, do so with dignity and honor the relationship you once had with your wife – as sometimes relationships don't work out, but you do have a child together, so it's essential that you are respectful with each other. And, get a good divorce lawyer and fight for your relationship with your daughter… Good luck, this is a tough situation with no easy answers to solve the problems you're facing. I hope you update us as to how you're doing in the future.

Elliott says:

Your situation strikes a bit close to home for me, Torn, because I saw my own parents struggling with similar issues. One of them wasn't happy with how things were turning out for them, and the other pretty much used myself and my siblings to emotionally blackmail the other into staying. Over time they fell into this cycle of conflict, reconciliation and resentment. When I was young I didn't understand it very well, but now looking back I actually wished that my parents just agreed to split up then – as they eventually would. I know it would have upset me greatly at the time, but at least I wouldn't have grown up seeing the two people in the world who I loved the most grow to hate each other. But you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.

Having said that, I'm not going to say that you should 'fly away' to pursue your dreams – not without considering all options – but do consider this:

You say your wife has been selfish for some time now, so why not be a bit selfish yourself? See, I've never bought into this idea of marriage as this mystic ritual that brings two people together into a single being, granting them a deeper understanding of the other. I have friends who actually tell me their marriages are like that and I have to keep myself from snorting in their faces. Also, that whole 'this is my better half' BS just doesn't wash with me. You were a whole person when you were on your own, and you still are even though you're partnered with someone else. Losing your sense of self in a relationship, whether it's a marriage or not, is one of the most dangerous things a person can do.

Think about it: before you met your wife, you knew the things in life that brought you joy. And guess what? She did too. Just because you made a commitment to 'love, honor and cherish' doesn't mean that you lose your identity making all those things irrelevant. Your wife needs to understand that while she may not see the value in the career you have chosen – even though it pays the bills – or in the hobbies you pursue, when she married you she decided to accept all of you.

Marriage, like any other relationship, means that each person in it has to work towards keeping the other happy but also making sure they are happy themselves. And sometimes that means being a bit selfish.

It means saying 'Honey, I really don't feel like spending another night at your sisters because I want to watch Game of Thrones tonight.'

If you ask me, that's not all that much to ask for.

The serious compromise comes when you say "Sweetie, if I'm going to keep this job to support us, we need to move closer to it."

It may pain you to consider that, taking your wife and your child away from the support system that you currently have, but let's be honest, you're giving up a lot to keep your wife happy. You're giving up all of yourself, and she's just taking it. In some marriages that works, but in others – in most even – it leads to resentment, anger and let's face it, divorce.

The point I'm trying to make here is that even though you're in a relationship where the two partners are supposed to compliment each other emotionally, physically and spiritually, there's nothing wrong with thinking about yourself. To be a little selfish. I know it sounds like a dirty word, but it's not.

As Kate said, counseling would probably be best for you two, but to get to that step you need to think about how things are affecting you. And you never know, your wife may surprise you. You should be able to look at her and think that she is your partner in life who will support you in all your endeavors, just as you would hers. A professional who can mediate these discussions should be able to get you there if both of you are willing to work at it.

Don't do all the work yourself. Don't enable. Don't be a doormat. And don't feel bad for being a bit selfish. You need to take care of yourself, not only for your sanity, but also so your daughter will remember your smile as much as you remember hers.

Good luck, my friend.

Do you have a relationship problem you'd like our help with? Email it to us at keepyourpantsonbc@yahoo.com and we'll do our best to help.

Until next week… KYPO!

(Say it like "KAPOW!" – It'll make it feel all the more comic-y to you…)

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