Here’s A New Spider-Man Toy And Some Lunacy About Crayons

One of my favourite web-reading experiences of all time was Spider-Man Reviews Crayons in which… yeah, erm. Not the actual Spider-Man, but a Spider-Man action figure with some apparent delusions of being the real thing while also understanding he’s a small plastic replica. His mind, I can tell you, is a very, very strange place.

Please do read it. How else would you find out, for example, what “Spider-Man” thinks of a very particular shade of purple crayon:

“Royal Purple” is regalus maximus; a color so high-end it probably boosts the price of the entire box a full half buck. Is it worth it? Depends on what kind of grapes you prefer coloring. I hope not green grapes!

Whenever I review anything, this essential take on the Crayola 96 is the benchmark I set myself.

And it’s all I could think of, looking at a new Spider-Man action figure “premiered” in the pages of USA Today.

Yes. They’re premiering action figures at USA Today now, and running pictures of them and lots of hilarious copy. For example:

In the new movie directed by Marc Webb, Garfield wears a new and improved superhero outfit from Spidey’s past, so Hasbro added metallic finishes and an additive called rutile to make the figure sparkle. And although the eyes may look white, they have a golden cast to them when catching light in a certain way.

The figure is also sculpted in a way to pick up all the details from the movie Spider-Man. The bottom of his feet were tweaked to look the same as the film versions, and he reflects Garfield’s leaner physique.

They stop just short of giving a price and an Add To Cart button.