I popped into the Channel 4 press conference this morning. Mostly for the free breakfast. But also to see what they were up to in the next few months. Which got me wondering exactly what the Daily Mail would say about some of their programmes and themed programming coming up. And just how angry they would get.
Such as their themed programming on Ramadan, including programmes showing how British Muslims fast, prepare to break their fast, as well as marking early morning prayers every day.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 9/10. Predicted headline GOOD MORNING MULLAH!
The Murder Trial, showing the filming of a Scottish court during a high profile murder trial, the case of Nat Fraser, accused of murdering his wife, Arlene made possible by the distinct difference between Scottish law and that of the rest of the UK. Avoid spoilers by not googling last year’s news.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 4/10. Predicted headline TV MURDER AFFECTS LOCAL HOUSE PRICES
Skint is a documentary series filmed over nine months in Scunthorpe amongst the long term unemployed. Crime, welfare, truancy, addiction and having lots of kids. But also ingenuity, resilience, community support, love and pride of family. All of which the Daily Mail will ignore.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 9/10. Predicted headline SCUMTHORPE!
Human Swarm looks at how weather affects the behaviour of people. I wonder if it works the other way as well?
Mad Daily Mail Score – 8/10. Predicted headline GLOBAL WARMING A MYTH, WE JUST ALL NEED TO BE MORE MISERABLE
Rebound is the French horror show, subtitled in English, with the return to a village of the passengers on a school coach which crashed. Except they have been dead for years.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 4/10. Predicted headline SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU DAMN DEAD FROGS
Do You Speak English. Teaching living people, living in Britain who can’t speak English how to, well, order a hundred grams of licorice allsorts.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 7/10. Predicted headline AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!
Educating Yorkshire – behind the scenes of an unruly school in Dewsbury. Lots of kids alamming doors, getting expelled and parents kicking off.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 8/10. Predicted headline PUT THEM ALL IN FLAT DUNCE CAPS AND BRING BACK THE CANE
The 40 Year Old Virgins follows… look, you know exactly what this documentary will show. But apparently one of them does get their end away at the end of the show. But will it be the IT engineer or the woman who says that men “smell like aftershave and ham.”
Mad Daily Mail Score – 7/10. Predicted headline CHANNEL 4 MAKES PEOPLE HAVE SEX
The Mill is a new period drama set in the Industrial Revolution, as people were bought and sold into servitude like slaves. Looks like a rather memorable scene when a young woman is told that by signing the contract, the mill will own her.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 3/10. Predicted headline WHY CAN’T WORKSHY BE SENT TO THE MILL?
Stephen Fry is presenting a show giving people the chance to act like heroes, or zeroes, in an attempt to show that Britain aren’t just a bunch of workshy, immoral criminals wiating to happen.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 3/10. Predicted headline NO STEPHEN, BRITAIN IS JUST A BUNCH OF WORKSHY, IMMORAL, CRIMINALS WAITING TO HAPPEN
Drifters, another sitcom, with young women talking about sex, or lack of it.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 7/10. Predicted headline BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
London Irish is a sitcom, which features a young man rejecting that he’s gay just because a man gave hima blowjob and flowers, and a woman who wakes up in bed with a young child, and wonders is they’ve had sex.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 9/10. Predicted headline BAN THIS SICK IRISH FILTH!
Five Minutes To A Fortune, a new game show with Davina McCall, with the money physically draining away as contestants struggle to answer brain teaser questions.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 5/10. Predicted headline PUBLIC BROADCASTER POURS MONEY AWAY
A new drama, Dates, from Skins creator Bryan Elsey, following people on their first dates, in nine parts. Accompanied by reality show Dane Night, in which the same thing happens but with real people. We haven’t had that kind of thing since Hustle/The Real Hustle and The Office/The Real Office. Good. Oh, yes, and Skins returns for its final series.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 2/10. Predicted headline SETTLE DOWN AND GET MARRIED YOU IGNORANT LOT
A new panel show with David Mitchell, Was It Something I Said? which basically looks like Quote Unquote on the telly.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 1/10. Predicted headline DAVID MITCHELL REACHES PANEL SHOW CRITICAL MASS
Peter Kaye is following up his parodies of reality talent shows and charity marathons with Malachy’s Millions, a take on The Secret Millionaire.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 2/10. Predicted headline WHAT ABOUT PETER KAYE’S MILLIONS? HIS DVD SALES COULD PAY OFF THE NATIONAL DEBT.
Run, with Olivia Cole, with collapsing narratives as a mother’s son is suspected of committing murder. Which he probably did.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 7/10. Predicted headline WE BLAME THE PARENTS
Southcliffe is a drama set during a siege town as one man kicks off with a gun.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 8/10. Predicted headline RAOUL DRAMA UPSETS EVERYONE, CHANNEL 4 SHOULD BE ASHAMED
Youngers, a new drama that will be lazily described as, well, “the black Skins”. Two friends, one performing well at school, the other… less so. What that means for them, their families, their friends.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 5/10. Predicted headline WHY CAN’T WE USE “SWAGGER” LIKE WE USED TO?
Channel 4 have the Grand National, and plenty of programming in and around it. Including Alan Carr.
Mad Daily Mail Score – 2/10. Predicted headline TESCO ADVERTISE LASAGNE DURING GRAND NATIONAL
And more Misfits, Top Boy, Utopia, 10 O’Clock Live, The Last Leg, Phone Shop, MAde In Chelsea, and stuff like that.