Shouldn’t That Be Green? – Iron Man XXX In Review by Dan Wickline

Dan Wickline writes for Bleeding Cool;

Ever since I did a set visit during the filming of Supergirl XXX, the folks over at Extreme Comixxx have been sending me their new releases to review. It wasn’t my plan to become Bleeding Cool’s porn guy and it still isn’t, but the other day when Iron Man – An Extreme Comixxx Parody showed up in the mail and I saw the image of Hulk having sex with Black Widow on the back cover, I figured I could do one more review… for the sake of the readers of course.

This is another movie for writer/director Sinister X who obviously either grew up reading comic books or has someone on his staff who did. (‘On his staff’ is not a euphemism here.) I know that producer Jerry Cuban tries to secure the best looking costumes for these movies and has been known to approach cos-players at conventions for their gear. I’m guessing he did that here and came up with a pretty decent Iron Man costume. They also landed a classic Black Widow costume that looks pretty good on Chanel Preston who had already taken a spin in the Wonder Woman’s star spangled shorts for the Justice League movie. With those two costumes I could see the draw of doing an Iron Man parody, the problem comes when you don’t have an Iron Monger or Whirlwind armor for the villain. This is where Sinister X’s knowledge of comics comes into play.

The plot here loosely feels like a David Michelinie/Bob Layton era run mixed with Jon Favreau’s take. After hiring a replacement for herself, Pepper Pots quits Stark Industries because she’s tired of watching Tony Stark living life at the bottom of a bottle. Her replacement, Natasha, is actually a SHIELD agent assigned to watch over Stark. Meanwhile Justin Hammer and his daughter Justine come up with a device to compete with the ARC reactor that Tony uses to power his suit and keep himself alive. The Hammer’s attempt to use the Stark Expo to announce their new discover only to have the presentation interrupted by Madame Masque and her hypnotically controlled Incredible Hulk. Iron Man arrives and easily saves the day. Justine decides to find a way to work with Madame Masque to destroy Stark while her father, angered by the humiliation of being saved by Iron Man, tracks down Stark’s former obsessed love interest Kathy Dare.

Now I remembered Madame Masque from reading the books when I was younger, but I had to look up Kathy Dare to discover that she was indeed a character from the comics who out of jealousy shot and critically wounded Tony Stark. That’s quite the pull and illustrates that the people making these movies are more than just businessmen hopping onto a trend, but there are some real comic readers/lovers involved. And this plot solves two problems. It means they only need to make a simple Madame Masque costume and buy a ton of green food dye instead of making a set of armor for the villain, but it also introduces three additional female characters which is a good decision when making porn as you always want to avoid a ‘sausage-fest’.

I realize at this point I’ve spent over five-hundred words of an adult video review talking about the plot. That’s because I know that you, the reader, like me are the type that reads Playboy for the articles. But I must put in my due diligence and discuss the sex scenes. As you’d expect, the dialogue is not great and the acting is as stiff as… hmm… I wish I could think of a metaphor for something stiff here… anyway, and there are some basic quality control, convenience and character issues. In the scenes with Seth Gamble as Tony Stark, he would occasionally have to push the “arc reactor” back against his chest as it would come loose and you could see the tape holding it in place. In the scene where Gracie Glam as Justine meets and decides to be intimate with Amber Rayne as Madame Masque in a warehouse, there just happens to be a henchman with her to join in… and an amazingly convenient mattress on the floor. And character wise, when Heather Starlet as Pepper smashes a bottle of alcohol to show Tony her anger, the billionaire who runs around in a billion-dollar suit of armor gets upset and says: “That was a fifty-dollar bottle of Scotch!”

The other thing that stood out to me as odd was actually answered in the bonus footage. When they first mention the Hulk, Natasha/Black Widow flashes back to a time where she had previously met the gamma giant. Now I’ve seen enough porn to know there are certain steps you expect. Chances are there will be an ‘oral exam’ prior to the more ‘in-depth’ studies. Here we jump right into a green-skinned Jordan Lane already deeply-penetrating the completely nude Widow’s cover story. No foreplay at all and you’d think they would start with her in costume for a bit. Also strange that part of the Hulk, a part we’ll call ‘Lil’ Banner’ was not green. Perhaps Bruce had been wearing a lead-lined condom when the gamma bomb exploded. The reason the scene seemed a little off was answered on the second disc of the collector’s edition. They did indeed start with Chanel Preston in the Black Widow costume and with her tongue tapping a very green Lil’ Banner. The problem being the food coloring used instantly turned her mouth green, coating her tongue and getting in between her teeth. Like a true professional, she continued through the scene to its conclusion. The decision to cut it was made during post-production.

Those things aside, you get what you pay for here. You want to see high-tech battles, flashy special effects and good acting… watch Iron Man or Iron Man 2. But if you want your porn mixed with eighties comic book goodness with just a touch of low-budget camp, then pick up a copy of Iron Man – An Extreme Comixxx Parody. Because in the end Jon Favreau made two very cool blockbuster movies, but it took Sinister X to show up why Iron Man’s bodyguard/driver is called “Happy Hogan.”

Dan Wickline has written for Image Comics, Avatar Press, IDW Publishing and Zenescope Entertainment as well as creating the new e-novel series LUCIUS FOGG. For more information go to www.danwickline.com