New Footage In Japanese Trailer For The Three Musketeers, Plus A Translation

Don’t you wish you lived in Japan?

No, neither do I. I hate sushi.

Plus, you don’t need to live in Japan to watch this brand new Japanese trailer for Paul W.S. Anderson‘s The Three Musketeers, starring Matthew MacFadyen (who I’ve had a pathetic girl-crush on ever since he was in Spooks), Orlando Bloom, Logan Lerman and Christoph Waltz. In fact, you don’t even need to speak Japanese to understand the voiceover, since Bleeding Cool employs an amateur polyglot (me) to translate for you.

A full transcript is provided below the video.

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Once upon a time…

Lots of people stood in formation…

I think they were queueing for Tiffany’s…

But in an age where hot chicks habitually turn up their collars…

And the line between boy and girl becomes hard to define…

Three confused-looking douchebags shall lead the way…

“You’re the musketeers. I’ve heard of you. I came to Paris to be one of you.”

“Ha!”

And in the depths of a computer-generated castle…

Where women are forced to wear clothes that make it difficult to pass through doors…

By a pre-Nazi-party post-hair-salon Colonel Landa…

“I am France. Do not fail me again.”

“When new war machines will readdress the balance.”

“Haaargh!”

“He wants you. He wants me.”

“The game is afoot.”

“Diamonds, Buckingham, and the Tower of London. Five days, the Queen’s reputation and the fate of France as we know it. Who’s with me?”

“I could do with some exercise.”

“All for one, and one for all!”

Poof out your trousers…

Curl your hair…

Enter the Matrix, apparently…

And join the Three Inappropriately Dressed Douchebags! I mean Musketeers.

Witness women with astonishing cleavage on kinky bondage pirate blimps!

Investigate the ongoing mystery of whether this character is a boy or a girl!

Try not to laugh at Orlando Bloom’s increasingly ridiculous wardrobe!

“Round two.”

“Aaargh!”

Warning: this film contains mild language, scenes of a sexual nature, but for some reason no actual French people.