Ricky Gervais’ Suggested Script For Franco And Hathaway At The Oscars

Still burning on the fury surrounding his Golden Globes gig, Ricky Gervais has published on his blog, a “suggested” script for this Sunday’s Oscars. Sharp and a touch bitter, this is angry stuff – even where it’s just Gervais acting like he’s better than everybody in Hollywood.

Here are some of the best bits:

James Franco: You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

Anne Hathaway: And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

James Franco: It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

James Franco: Apart from all the great movies we made this year, we continued our life-saving philanthropy. Mega stars like Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Ben Stiller brought light to third world poverty and famine and shocked the world with visions of children so hungry they’d been living off dead beetles all their lives.

Anne Hathaway: Yeah and Yoko Ono said “What’s wrong with that?”

James Franco: I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week… it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, “Who are you?” “You’re not my daddy.” “Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…”

Anne Hathaway: Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you’re one of us. And you are so handsome.

Those were the edited highlights. I probably did Gervais a favour by cutting out a lot of his script… the undercurrent of whining is quite off putting.